Tag Archives: trauma

Chew On This

09 Monday Jul 2018

Posted by in health, Observations, recovery

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A while back, I was in a board meeting as I had been many times before. It was fairly routine. When the second last item came up, the person presenting – not a fan of me and quietly hostile for the last several months – took the opportunity to tear me apart in front of everyone. Needless to say the entire tone of the meeting changed. During his rant, I was accused of fraud, being inappropriate with a person I care about, even racist. Those that knew me and/or knew the situation stayed mostly silent or spoke in a way that gave my accuser more fuel for his fire. Talk about being slain the house of my friends!

I spoke quietly to the two main accusations – fraud and being inappropriate which were both completely false (afterwards I was provided written statements by those involved that denied the accusations).  I clarified a few other details. I tried to be as gracious as possible. I even apologized for things I felt I could have done better. At that point the person started screaming, “He’s a liar, he’s a liar.”

That one left a pretty big wound. Even writing this is difficult and brings me distress. I can’t drive past that person’s neighbourhood without having a mild anxiety episode.

One of the dangers of having a distressing experience like that is that as the days go by, we can fall into ruminating. I did and I have to catch myself before it gets bad.

Do you know why ruminating is a problem? According to Dr. Guy Winch, in his book Emotional First Aid and in an article specifically on this topic, “Rumination is when we bring up emotional distress and “chew on it” repeatedly… When we don’t have resolution, ruminating goes wrong when we play the same distressing scenes in our head over and over.”  Here are some key points Dr. Winch notes about rumination.

Rumination is maladaptive – it doesn’t help us find resolution and amplifies our distress.

Rumination is addictive – the more we ruminate, the more compelled we feel to continue doing so.

Rumination increases risk of becoming depressed and it can prolong the duration of depressive episodes.

Rumination can increase substance and food abuse as we try to manage or numb out the distressing emotions we feel.

Rumination focuses on the negative which tends to spread to seeing other aspects of our lives too negatively.

Rumination impairs problem solving.

Rumination increases our stress responses and that increases our risk of cardiovascular disease.

To break the the rumination habit, Dr. Winch recommends going cold turkey – making a decision to avoid it and striving to stick with it. What can help through this process is distraction. When you feel rumination coming on, try a movie, exercise, puzzles, Angry Birds (is that still a thing?), really anything that requires concentration. This tends to break the pattern and bring us back to a calmer state. This will take practice so don’t give up. Your rumination patterns will fade with time.

Do you struggle with rumination? What are you doing to reduce it?

 

It Lingers

02 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Discovery, health, Observations, recovery, relationships

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Lately, I have been on a journey to learn as much as I can about trauma. I recently went through a series on trauma presented by the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. It was mind-blowing – and often beyond my brain power – but fantastic nonetheless.

Another topic that interests me is nurturing healthy relationships. Love and belonging are critical to our wholeheartedness – our capacity to deal with the junk that smashes into us on a regular basis.

Anyway, here’s how those two come together. Those who had childhood trauma typicallygiphy-2 struggle more than others in their romantic relationships. That’s not big news as most of us are aware how our past affects our present. But the key question is why – why does trauma create these difficulties?

Self-criticism. 

Apparently, childhood trauma produces a great deal of self-criticism and it’s the self-criticism that hurts the relationship. To be clear, the studies that have noted this weren’t saying it’s a definitive cause and effect. I’m sure there is more to this story and many subtle differences between people. It’s just a link we need to be aware of.

The good news is, there is help, hope and healing. We can reduce self-criticism and improve our relationships. Talk with a counsellor, check out online resources, pick up a book or two (Dr. Guy Winch’s book “Emotional First Aid” covers this topic fairly well I think.) Explore the options and find what works for you.

Are you overly self-critical? If so, can you see how it’s negatively impacting your relationships? What do you do to reduce self-criticism?

 

The Cyclist

03 Tuesday Jan 2017

Posted by in Observations, recovery

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This is based on an article I wrote for EdgeYK Magazine in the spring of 2014. I’ve edited it slightly as it refers to an event in the past.

No one gets to where they want to go alone. That thought kept coming back to me as I prepared for YK2HR 2014 – an annual, 500 km, three day bicycle ride from Yellowknife to Hay River.

Years of family life and a stressful, sedentary, job meant my weight had been continuously climbing. My blood pressure was rising and my latest tests indicated other risks were looming. Then came 2012 – a perfect storm of loss and discouragement. The year started with my mom’s death. We knew it was coming but I was still devastated. Six weeks later, I had a huge crisis at work that left me reeling. So there I was: unhealthy, grieving, and wounded. I entered a dark cloud of discouragement and depression. It was at its worst in the quiet times – in the middle of the week – and the rest of the time it was a chore to drag myself around and be functional. One week turned into a month, then two months…

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It’s been said that everyone has a story that will make you cry and many people have stories that will bring you to your knees. As stories go, I know mine is on the lighter side. But what made all this really challenging for me is that I was the pastor of the Yellowknife Seventh-day Adventist Church. Getting knocked off my feet a couple days a week and having a persistent dark cloud does not a good pastor make; it just made things worse.

The First Step
Through my work, I can access a confidential and free care line. Getting the courage to call is another story. Thankfully, I got desperate enough to pick up the phone. It was September 2012. That call was my first step to recovery. After listening, the counsellor suggested I had serious depression and I should seek medical assistance. That was the proverbial straw. I had to make a change.

Break Away Fitness
I’m not opposed to medication for depression but I also know that exercise is very helpful. My first stop was the gym, Break Away Fitness in Yellowknife. It took time, but I lost nearly 40 pounds, dropped pant and shirt sizes, and all my health indicators are normal to better than normal. Setting goals, using tools like MyFitnessPal, and participating in challenges kept me motivated. The thing is, something more happened. I found community. The gym owners, Kelly and Carey, were a huge blessing to me and I made many new friends. Let me introduce you to them…

Alyssa!
One of the first friends I made was Alyssa Mosher, a CBC reporter. She interviewed me for a challenge I had organized. There’s nothing like making a public declaration of your goals to make you determined to achieve them. I just hope that when she gets super-famous she remembers the little people. You can find her on Twitter – @ammosher.

Andy!
I met Andy Wong, an avid cyclist and organizer of the YK2HR ride, and I started to pick his brain about buying a bike. He went one better and offered to sell me one of his used bikes, a Trek hybrid. I used to cycle in my youth so returning to riding was transformational. As the cycling season ended I planned to invest in a new bike over the winter; something lighter and fitted just for me.

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Ron!
Ron Ogilvie changed my plans. I told him about my new biking goal and he encouraged me to do YK2HR 2014. I was hesitant. I love to bike but I hate camping. (Personally I think camping is against God’s will – Jesus said he was going to prepare a room for us so we can dwell with him. A room – not a tent or a camp site.) Ron’s persistence wore me down. I committed to the ride.

Preparation is Half the Battle
After I committed, I realized how unprepared I was. A high quality road bike also meant cycling shoes and pedals, clothes for various kinds of weather and, most importantly, padded bike shorts! That last item has inspired my sister to call me a MAMIL (Middle-aged Man in Lycra).

As YK2HR got closer, I gave more attention to stretching and massages – hey, it’s harder than it sounds. To be ready for NWT roads I would regularly go up and down on a teeter-totter while my wife threw dust in my face.

When I started to exercise I realized there was more I needed to do to see the changes I wanted. I started to look closely at my diet – I became intentional about how much I ate and what I ate. The game changer was Vegucated, a documentary on iTunes and Netflix. It’s a low budget documentary where three people are invited to try a plant based diet for six weeks. It wasn’t new information – Seventh-day Adventists have been talking the plant-based diet since the early 1900s – but it was the right information at the right time.

By the end of the documentary, I made the decision to go with a plant based lifestyle. Keep in mind that I didn’t see this as a “diet.” I committed to it as a way of life. I will confess it’s not easy to be vegetarian in the NWT if you keep your mouth open when you ride a bike. The biggest challenge has been eliminating added sugar. I keep telling myself I’m sweet enough on my own…

As I look back on where I’ve been and forward to where I’m going, I believe the best is yet to come.  Check out my next post for what happened after YK2HR…

No Way

23 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by in Discovery, Observations, Spirituality

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Have you ever sat down to write and you’re filled with dread at the thought of digging through memories?

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One year ago today, I was asked to meet with a young adult, a member of a church I was pastoring, who was in a great deal of distress and unwilling to talk with or get help from their family. In fact, they wanted complete confidentiality.

We met a couple days later and as I sat with this harmed, hurting, and hope lacking person I made a commitment to them that, come what may, I would do whatever I could to help them not just stay alive but rediscover life. I instantly knew that it would not be an easy journey and that it was going to cost me personally and professionally but I determined not to waiver or shrink back.

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Initially, I simply arranged for access to professional counselling. Until it started, I asked for permission to check in with the person on a regular basis until the counselling began. Little did I know during that first meeting that this person would take a piece of my heart and shortly thereafter, my wife’s heart, too. Over time, the person became a friend and even as one of our own children. We nicknamed the person Velveteen Rabbit; one who was day by day determining to become a real person who could be unconditionally loved and boldly love others.

 

What a journey it was. I was able to draw on my experience and knowledge and at other times I was totally ill equipped and over my head. I was strategic and thoughtful but sometimes flying by the seat of my pants and blurting things out. I dug deep into my well of patience and compassion and faith-based strength even so, along the way I developed sleep and anxiety disorders from which I’m still trying to recover. I was able to provide a great deal of recovery support while sometimes adding to our friend’s distress when my own woundedness spilled out. And then there was prayer. Lots and lots of prayer.

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There were some really scary times, times when we weren’t sure the person would be alive the next day. There was some really good times, too many to recount here but when I remember them I smile and feel deep joy. Along the way, I rediscovered the game UNO and was introduced to two others. Our friend was pretty cocky at being excellent at these games so it was always very difficult to be gracious when I soundly beat them. I would just smile ever so slightly…

It was beautiful to see our Velveteen Rabbit take steps towards life. Sometimes slowly and haltingly, other times confidently and boldly. Like all recovery there were relapses but we would be there and help them get back on their feet. Many times we were just a safe place away from a toxic home (their words) and an unkind world; we have a big blue comfy recliner and that was VR’s favourite spot when sanctuary was needed.

Sadly, our part in our friends journey has come to an end for now, perhaps forever. My wife has fleeting, few and far between, contacts. Not a day goes by when I don’t have a little tremor of worry for our friend. I still pray for our Velveteen Rabbit all the time.

As for me, I was fairly accurate in my assessment of how the journey would impact me. Eventually, most of the story was revealed to our friend’s family. They didn’t appreciate our involvement. I was compared to Satan. It was really confusing to me. As a parent, my focus would be on helping my child not attacking people that were helping them and shrieking about how I was offended. I am careful not to use labels but I’m pretty sure I encountered an actual narcissist. My career was jeopardized, I was accused of terrible things, and there was a definite and deliberate attempt to destroy my reputation and assassinate my character. The upside is, I think I’m better equipped if I run into that kind of abuse again. On the downside, at least once of day I get little anxiety attacks from that experience.

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Here’s the thing: As I look back on the last year, I regret nothing. Sure, I have confusion, doubts, and sometimes I feel like I really failed. But if God came to me and asked, “Brad, now that you know what’s going to happen, do you want to go back and stop it from happening?”

I would say with all my heart, “No way.”

Rejected

31 Tuesday May 2016

Posted by in Inspiration, Observations, Spirituality

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I just discovered Dr. Guy Winch. He emphasizes the importance of emotional first aid. After reading one of his articles and listening to his TED talk, I bought his book. Even though I am just getting into the book, my brain is buzzing from the first part about the emotional trauma from severe and/or chronic rejection.

I’ve been focused lately on the importance of love and belonging – how they provide security and empower us to be our best selves. I’ve been mostly seeing how shame degrades love and belonging but rejection is a huge piece of the puzzle. Shame and rejection seem to be related; shaming someone gives them the sense of being rejected. From what I can tell, rejection can happen independent of shaming – like being excluded even unintentionally from a group activity – but then it leads to us to dumping shame on ourselves. As Dr. Winch notes, “…rejections elicit emotional pain so sharp it affects our thinking, floods us with anger, erodes our confidence and self-esteem, and destabilizes our fundamental feeling of belonging.”

I was pondering rejection in my life. Two of my most persistent and painful memories from my childhood are rejection experiences with my dad. I was also considering rejection in lives of people I know who struggle with emotional trauma and also the damage rejection creates in the churches where I minister. I need to be more aware of rejection experiences.

While pondering all these things, it hit me. God repeatedly makes it clear that he has never rejected us. Seven times he says, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” In John 14:18, he tells us, “I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you.” In Matthew 28:20, we are told, “…I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Even to those who ultimately refuse every effort made by God to rescue them, he doesn’t reject them but with tears simply gives them up to their hearts’ desire. Actually, when you look closely at God’s story, the only one who really gets completely rejected is God. By us, his children.

From God’s position, his love for you and your belonging with him, is never in question. I hope the truth of that brings you hope and peace.

 

PTSD

27 Thursday Mar 2014

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Recently, I had a chance to chat with a person who is very involved with the homeless in our community. She pointed out that it’s not an exaggeration to say that every homeless person in our city is coming from a place of trauma.

Overwhelmingly, they are born with some brain damage from their mother’s drug and alcohol use. Almost every one has physical or sexual abuse as their earliest memory. Most, if not all, can tell of standing between their mother and someone who is beating her; followed by cleaning the wounds and washing blood off the walls. As they age, that trauma leads to numbing out through drugs and alcohol, which only increases their brain damage. As we look on in judgment, we tsk, tsk, and wonder why they make such poor choices.

Why do we do that? Brene Brown states that everyone has a story that will break your heart; many have a story that will bring you to your knees. This world leaves its mark on each of us – we all have PTSD. It’s just that some of us are a little more higher functioning than others; we can hide the damage a little better. But given the right conditions our trauma will rear it’s ugly head.

This makes me thankful for the promise in Revelation 22:
“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.”

Lord, please hurry, we are so desperate.