Tag Archives: toxic

Manipulation Junction

04 Monday Dec 2017

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“Conjunction junction, what’s my function?” Anybody remember that catchy Schoolhouse Rock Song?

That’s not what this post is about but wouldn’t it be cool if someone made a catchy song about the manipulation junk that toxic people pull on those around them so their tactics would be easy to remember?

Recently, I found an article about some key manipulation tactics that are good to be aware of. I encourage you to check out the whole article but here are the highlights.

Monitoring –  when the toxic person wants to be in constant contact. It’s kind of low level stalking. Watch out, when you are slow to respond, if you get an angry reaction.

Object constancy – on the positive side, this is the ability to still love the person you are annoyed with. A toxic person tends to lack this so when they rage, they lose their affection. Think Jekyll and Hyde. Watch out if you find yourself modifying your words and behaviours to avoid the rages.

Flipping the script – this is when a toxic person tries to continuously wind you up. In the process they may accuse you of the things they themselves do. The point is to confuse and make their victim emotional.

Gaslighting – “Manipulators lie, make things up that never happened, but say things in such a convincing way and with such conviction, that their victims end up believing it is the truth.”

Perspecticide – think gaslighting+. “When the manipulative person has made someone believe so many things that aren’t true, they no longer know what is real.” Watch out if you are compromising your boundaries, your values, faith or family to appease the toxic person.

Trauma bonding – this is conditioning. The toxic person, who is often hostile or even violent, then basks their victim in love and affection. These highs and lows ” can create an addiction in the victim. Watch out for only nice behaviour when you’ve been “good” contrasted with the hurtful words and actions when you’ve been “bad.” (Good and bad being arbitrarily assigned by the toxic person.)

That’s a Fact, Jack!

14 Wednesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Discovery, Observations, recovery

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Sadly, this is a very real experience and one that hits home to me for two reasons. In the past, I saw this 18620634_10155317510328838_6406869147484519574_okind of thing and didn’t know what was happening. I regret not having the knowledge and the backbone to make a difference in those situations.

It also hits home, because one of these people got me in just the way Shannon Thomas describes. While I was taken aback by the shock of it all, the part that hurt, still hurts, is how people I counted as friends so easily turned to the negative. One co-worker called me shortly after the major attack, revealing that he had been “filled in on the story” just before the meeting and suggested I “just apologize” to the accuser. My flying monkey alarm bells went off big time. I now keep safe distance from that co-worker. The worst part is, he is a key leader in the church and I am concerned that his willingness to be a flying monkey will harm  those to whom he ministers.

I encourage you to check out Shannon Thomas’ book, “Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.” Her book is available as paperback, Kindle, and audiobook.

Remember that not everyone who is a jerk is a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath. If we’re honest, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of. However, if you have a person in your life who demonstrates repeated narcistic-like behaviours without genuine remorse (on my blog do a search for “Diversion Tactics), then you need to be very careful, establish boundaries, and perhaps seek professional assistance.

Hurling

19 Wednesday Apr 2017

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When I experience my full on toxic person encounter, there were a barrage of accusations. While some were absurd – outrageous even – I confess some cut deep. It wasn’t so much as I thought they were true but they made me question who I am. It’s taken a while to process past that and reground myself. If this has happened to you, I hope you have found yourself again and have experienced healing.

For more, check out Shannon Thomas’ book, “Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.”

Diversion Tactics – Threats

31 Friday Mar 2017

Posted by in Discovery, Observations, questions, recovery

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Lately, I’ve been discovering common behaviours of Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths. Keep in mind that those are personality disorders and it’s not a good idea to go around labelling people just because they’re jerks. While I’ve been learning, I found an article by  Shahida Arabi at http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/. Shahida the author of the book She Who Destroys the Light: Fairy Tales Gone Wrong.

I want to highlight a few of the tactics Shadida Arabi includes in her article. Please read the whole article so you can get the full picture.

Toxic people tend to use diversion tactics to escape accountability for their actions and silence you, the target of their abuse. If this is happening to you, I hope you are able to get help and establish healthy boundaries so you may experience hope and healing.

Threats

Toxic people “are prone to making unreasonable demands on others – while punishing you for not living up to their impossible to reach expectations.” To divert you from their abusive behaviour, toxic people will use fear – ultimatums and “do this or I’ll do that.”

“Take threats seriously and show the narcissist you mean business; document threats and report them whenever possible and legally feasible.”

 

Guide for Going Back

10 Friday Mar 2017

Posted by in health, Observations, recovery

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I found this interesting post on the Facebook page Recovering from a Relationship with a Narcissist.  The post was speaking to a partner of a narcissist but for this summary I made it generic – partner, sibling, child. I recommend you read the whole post.

HOW TO LIVE WITH A NARCISSIST…. if you decide to stay or go back

  • The narcissist won’t change. To change you need to acknowledge your issues but narcissists don’t have issues – only other people have issues.
  • Forget about trying to have boundaries. If you try to enforce your boundaries, the narcissist will pout generally make your life miserable because narcissists are all about power over you and having control. Note that the narcissist NEVER apologizes, at least not sincerely
  • You will live in a “no win” situation. Narcissists are not about “win-win” but sees the world in terms of winners and losers.
  • The narcissist will begin or continue to bad mouth/gossip about you to their friends to create “flying monkeys” – people who take their side – and destabilize your support systems/self-care/recover
  • You’ll need to develop a high tolerance for toxic behaviour AND THEN, watching the narcissist fool everyone, in public, into thinking how nice they are.

The author concluded with this: “The question we all face is whether we are up for all this. It’s important to honestly face the truth when you make a decision. When I finally did, 20 years in, and I realized the narcissist would never change, I made the decision to get out.”

Diversion Tactics – Name Calling

15 Wednesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Discovery, health, Observations, recovery

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Lately, I’ve been discovering common behaviours of Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths. Keep in mind that those are personality disorders and it’s not a good idea to go around labelling people just because they’re jerks. These posts will cover just a few common behaviours that might alert you to possible mistreatment. Please check the link at the bottom for the full list. If these things are happening to you, please seek help so you can have hope and healing.

The following is a summary from an article by by Shahida Arabi at http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/. Shahida Arabi is a poet and the author of the book She Who Destroys the Light: Fairy Tales Gone Wrong.

Toxic people such as malignant narcissists, psychopaths and those with antisocial traits engage in maladaptive behaviors in relationships that ultimately exploit, demean and hurt their intimate partners, family members and friends. They use a plethora of diversionary tactics that distort the reality of their victims and deflect responsibility. Although those who are not narcissistic can employ these tactics as well, abusive narcissists use these to an excessive extent in an effort to escape accountability for their actions. Here are diversionary tactics toxic people use to silence and degrade you.

Name Calling

The lowest of the low resort to narcissistic rage in the form of name-calling when they can’t think of a better way to manipulate your opinion or micromanage your emotions. Name-calling is a quick and easy way to put you down, degrade you and insult your intelligence, appearance or behavior while invalidating your right to be a separate person with a right to his or her perspective.

Name-calling can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions and insights. A well-researched perspective or informed opinion suddenly becomes “silly” or “idiotic” in the hands of a malignant narcissist or sociopath who feels threatened by it and cannot make a respectful, convincing rebuttal. Rather than target your argument, they target you as a person and seek to undermine your credibility and intelligence in any way they possibly can. It’s important to end any interaction that consists of name-calling and communicate that you won’t tolerate it. Don’t internalize it: realize that they are resorting to name-calling because they are deficient in higher level methods.

 

Diversion Tactics – Goal Posts

08 Wednesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Discovery, health, Observations, recovery

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Lately, I’ve been discovering common behaviours of Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths. Keep in mind that those are personality disorders and it’s not a good idea to go around labelling people just because they’re jerks. These posts will cover just a few common behaviours that might alert you to possible mistreatment. Please check the link at the bottom for the full list. If these things are happening to you, please seek help so you can have hope and healing.

The following is a summary from an article by by Shahida Arabi at http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/. Shahida Arabi is a poet and the author of the book She Who Destroys the Light: Fairy Tales Gone Wrong.

Toxic people such as malignant narcissists, psychopaths and those with antisocial traits engage in maladaptive behaviors in relationships that ultimately exploit, demean and hurt their intimate partners, family members and friends. They use a plethora of diversionary tactics that distort the reality of their victims and deflect responsibility. Although those who are not narcissistic can employ these tactics as well, abusive narcissists use these to an excessive extent in an effort to escape accountability for their actions. Here are diversionary tactics toxic people use to silence and degrade you.

Moving Goal Posts

The difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism is the presence of a personal attack and impossible standards. These so-called “critics” often don’t want to help you improve, they just want to nitpick, pull you down and scapegoat you in any way they can. Abusive narcissists and sociopaths employ a logical fallacy known as “moving the goalposts” in order to ensure that they have every reason to be perpetually dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you’ve provided all the evidence in the world to validate your argument or taken an action to meet their request, they set up another expectation of you or demand more proof.

By raising the expectations higher and higher each time or switching them completely, highly manipulative and toxic people are able to instill in you a pervasive sense of unworthiness and of never feeling quite “enough.” By pointing out one irrelevant fact or one thing you did wrong and developing a hyperfocus on it, narcissists get to divert from your strengths and pull you into obsessing over any flaws or weaknesses instead. They get you thinking about the next expectation of theirs you’re going to have to meet – until eventually you’ve bent over backwards trying to fulfill their every need – only to realize it didn’t change the horrific way they treated you.

Don’t get sucked into nitpicking and changing goal posts – if someone chooses to rehash an irrelevant point over and over again to the point where they aren’t acknowledging the work you’ve done to validate your point or satisfy them, their motive isn’t to better understand. It’s to further provoke you into feeling as if you have to constantly prove yourself. Validate and approve of yourself. Know that you are enough and you don’t have to be made to feel constantly deficient or unworthy in some way.