Tag Archives: Shame

The Sinister Mind

12 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by in Beginnings, Inspiration, recovery

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One of the hats I wear is co-founder and coordinator for COME2LIFE. COME2LIFE engages youth in emotional health conversations, inviting them to experience help, hope & healing. Our signature workshop is called, The Butterfly Effect, a two hour, interactive, presentation that gets us talking about what causes our emotional health to be in chaos.

Recently, we had the honour of presenting The Butterfly Effect to 120+ grade 7, 8, and 9 students. We’ve got a lot of positive response from the youth but a few days later, one of them sent us this poem. She said we could share it.

The Sinister Mind
By Taylor P.

When I am alone, my thoughts tear me apart
Ripping at my heart it does
I am sick of feeling this way, my words are completely numb
“Please make it stop.¨ I say, tears flow as my thoughts scream louder and louder
The pain is deafening, fear and dread rip through my veins
Shame and guilt are words that rip and tear at my slipping sanity like wild dogs
Shove happy pills down my throat, I don’t care
I want my needless hurt to stop
I don’t want to sink further under, stones tied to my ankles
I don’t want to feel miles of shame for things I’ve never done
I want to be happy, calm, at peace
I don’t want to feel comfort by taking sharp metal to my scarred skin
My eyes burn red, my mouth feels dry
I want to sleep, I don’t want to eat
I want to be okay

As I make my way through the dark
I see a light, a placid light
The light caresses my face and brushes through my hair
It’s feather soft to the touch
It engulfs my body, covering every crevasse and every space
It wraps around the miles of skin that I possess
It’s warm and sweet and suddenly I am okay
Suddenly the light has returned in my eyes
For the first time in a long time, I am at peace
No more shame, no more guilt
The burden of being miserable is gone
The ache of being me is gone
The mirror is no longer an enemy
The demons that lurk in my mind remain nothing but ashes
The monsters that hide in my world are now the fuel that makes me stronger
As the wounds turn to scars, this battle was won
I made it through the grenades of doubt and the bullets of hate
I am free at last.

 

 

 

 

Trash

05 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by in Observations

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What do you think of when you hear the word trash? Unwanted, disposable, stinks, worthless, valueless, discarded, filthy? What pictures do you have in your mind? Banana peels, dirty diapers, slimy stuff that you don’t want on your body or clothes? Nobody likes trash which is why we take it away from our homes and neighbourhoods. Nobody likes going near trash.

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On Twitter and Instagram, I follow a handful of people that regularly declare, “Men are trash” or when they’re really upset, “ALL men are trash.” The person posting the statement typically receives push back, 99% of the time from men, that shout, “Not all men!”  Then all sorts of messages will be posted back and forth until someone is blocked and the claim that men are trash is confirmed.

I respect the stories of those who post the claim that men are trash. This is not a knee jerk reaction to the statement. I can understand the anger and frustration they feel and pain that’s behind their feelings and words. There is a spirit of murder against the women and children of this world and men are overwhelmingly the perpetrators. All human beings are capable of much harm but sadly, we must admit men truly do some very trashy things and we do it a lot of the time.

And yet, what does it mean when we say someone, or many someone’s, is trash? Unwanted, disposable, stinks, worthless, valueless, discarded, filthy? We are shaming people. Despite popular belief, shame does not produce good; it never facilitates change. Shame erodes the very part of us that’s capable of change. Shame also produces disengagement, push back, or a desire to fight shame with shame. Think fight, flight, or freeze. Pretty tough to see change happen when that’s how people are reacting.

From that perspective, declaring that men are trash is defeating; it undermines the goal of changing the world for better. Isn’t that what we want?

Present Passive Participle

11 Monday Dec 2017

Posted by in Beginnings, Observations, relationships, Spirituality

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I like good news. Somebody I want to meet up with actually commits to a plan. A surprise giphy-2cheque (or check for my American friends) that arrives in the mail. Final grades above 90%… or above 65% if I was in trouble and that’s what it took to pass the class.

What’s the last good news you received?

What about good advice? You should… You need to… Why don’t you do… You have to… Good advice can be helpful but it also can be annoying, worse if it’s unsolicited.

I’ve got some good news for you. It’s a bit technical but that’s what makes it so good.

When the apostle Paul wrote his letter to the Christian church in Rome – we’re talking first century AD – he noted the problem we all face:

“…all have sinned and
fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:23

Now you might not buy into the idea of sin* or even God but just hang on for moment. Paul is saying, we’ve all got a past we’re not proud of and even now, as best as we can do, isn’t good enough; it’s all tainted. Even if you only count the last six of the commandments. we’ve all missed the mark at least once if not several times. (Note that the problem runs very deep – the commandment to not kill includes contempt and the one about adultery includes even lusting after (objectifying) another person.) This sin stuff, it’s messy. It unleashes death, killing us slowly from the inside out. Anyway, the point is, this is our continuous state.

But wait, didn’t I say something about good news? That’s not very good news at all. Well, Paul was simply stating the problem so he could tell us about the solution:

“…being justified
as a gift by His grace
through the redemption
which is in Christ Jesus…”
Romans 3:24

That phrase, being justified, is a Present Passive Participle. The what? This is the technical part. Being justified is a continuous expression related to the verb just before it – have sinned and fall short.

Being justified takes care of the past, the present and the future, too.

But what does it mean to be justified?

It’s a legal phrase. It’s one of the metaphors for talking about how God has done everything to reconcile us to his heart. The key is it’s not just simply forgiveness, although that’s included, it’s not a not guilty declaration, or an acquittal.

Because of what Christ Jesus has done, justification means that you and I, despite our past, our regrets, our shame, it’s as we never did the deed.

Why?

So that you can know, without a sliver of doubt, that you have the full love and acceptance of your heavenly Father who created you.

That’s good news.

* Sin has to do with alienation from God, from creation, and from one another. It breaks our relationships, hinders our fellowship, and ruins our stewardship of the earth.

It Happened

30 Monday Oct 2017

Posted by in recovery

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Believe it or not, I used to be a competitive swimmer. I did it for about 2 years. I got my picture in the paper which was cool. I swam a 2 hour, 200 length (5000m), swim-a-thon for some charity and then discovered that people who sponsor kids for events don’t like to pay said kids post event. But I peaked around 10 years of age and moved on to other things, like sleeping in because I didn’t have to go to the pool at 6am.  It’s about priorities.

Anyway, one day after swim club, I was in the changing room and a man with a disability approached me. He was difficult to understand but he seemed friendly. He stuck out his hand for what I thought was a handshake. I went to shake his hand and he proceeded to grab my hand and then he started to undo his pants. I was frozen – shocked by what was happening – and then he put my hand on his crotch.

The incident ended in moments. I pulled my hand away, grabbed my stuff and headed for the door. My mom was waiting for me. I told her what happened.  She told the staff who promptly took action. I’m grateful for my mom who I could talk to. I’m grateful that I didn’t have to keep it secret due to fear of that man or even fear or shame from my parents.

Even so, I don’t talk about it. This is the first time I’ve written about it. When I remember it, I still feel that sense of being trapped and powerless, I still feel my own shame. I decided to take this journey into my past and to share it here because it has become crystal clear to me that when we are hurt like this (and I recognize my experience was really minor compared to most), silence and shame are just as harmful as the initial abuse. They feed it, let the past hold us captive, prevent us from healing.

I would never say one who has been hurt must speak about it. Each person should be in charge of their own healing journey. I would say, don’t let silence hurt you more than already have been. 

I also want you to know I’m listening and I believe you. 

Blame Casting

16 Friday Jun 2017

Posted by in Discovery, Spirituality

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I’m a fan of Ty Gibson. He has an amazing way to talk about the things that really matter.  Recently, I came across one of his short article’s and my mind was blown.

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Here’s an excerpt. You may have to read it twice, I did.

“The dark mental enterprise is encapsulated in God’s penetrating diagnostic question to Job: “Would you condemn Me that you may be justified?” (Job 40:8).

Here God puts His finger on our most sensitive nerve. We blame God as a self-justification maneuver. The guilty conscience possesses an impulse to fabricate an image of God that resembles ourselves in order to evade the shame His perfect goodness would thrust upon us if we were to allow ourselves to be confronted by it in one quantum leap of consciousness. “If God is like me,” we subconsciously reason, “then I need not be any different than I am, and I need not feel guilty for the way I am.” My actions and attitudes are justified by attributing them to God.”

Check out the whole article at http://reknew.org/2017/06/psychology-theology-meet/.

Why the Pain?

07 Wednesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Discovery, health, Observations, recovery, Spirituality

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My wife has known about Dr. Gabor Maté for a while but I am just getting into his stuff. A friend shared this click with me and it’s incredibly profound. His statement that he doesn’t ask why the addiction but, “Why the pain?”

He goes on to note that we are trying to run away from pain by numbing ourselves but the answer is to be with the pain.  The thing is, we can only be in the pain when we are surrounded by compassion.

From a faith perspective this is so powerful because Jesus is truly empathetic having known and borne our pain and he is also compassion incarnate.

Please take a few minutes and hear what he has to say. It could change your life or the life of someone you love.

 

Put Shame to Shame

28 Friday Apr 2017

Posted by in Inspiration, Spirituality

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If you can, check out this link and listen to the audio message. It’s a young person sharing their story about eating disorder recovery, redemption and seeing shame put to shame. It’s very powerful. Click the text below to get to the page.

“Is there anything you feel ashamed of? Your appearance, performance, or past mistakes? Discover how Jesus feels about you in your most embarrassing moments.”

 

Diversion Tactics – Shame

12 Wednesday Apr 2017

Posted by in Discovery, health, Observations, recovery

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Lately, I’ve been discovering common behaviours of Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths. Keep in mind that those are personality disorders and it’s not a good idea to go around labelling people just because they’re jerks. While I’ve been learning, I found an article by  Shahida Arabi at http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/. Shahida the author of the book She Who Destroys the Light: Fairy Tales Gone Wrong.

I want to highlight a few of the tactics Shadida Arabi includes in her article. Please read the whole article so you can get the full picture.

Toxic people tend to use diversion tactics to escape accountability for their actions and silence you, the target of their abuse. If this is happening to you, I hope you are able to get help and establish healthy boundaries so you may experience hope and healing.

Shame

Shame all on it’s own is destructive. It attacks the very part of us that’s capable of change. While guilt can be helpful, leading us to be responsible for our actions, shame tears down who we are as a person. Now take shame and out it in the hands of a toxic person and it is used  to whittle away at a victim’s self-esteem; diminishing their sense of self and stifle any pride they may have.

Worst case scenario, a toxic person will shame you for abuse or injustice you’ve suffered in the past. Perhaps they will claim that you must have done something to deserve – you were reaping what you’ve sown. They might hold up their wonderful life to make you feel deficient and unworthy. “As surgeons of madness, they seek to exacerbate wounds, not help heal them.”

“If you suspect you’re dealing with a toxic person, avoid revealing any of your vulnerabilities or past traumas. Until they’ve proven their character to you, there is no point disclosing information that could be potentially used against you.”

 

5 Damaging Lies We Learn From Narcissistic Parents

23 Thursday Feb 2017

Posted by in Observations, recovery

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I recently discovered Shahida Arabi, an Amazon Bestselling Author and Founder of Self-Care Haven.  She wrote an article called, 5 Damaging Lies We Learn From Narcissistic Parents. I encourage you to read it. Here are a few key thoughts that stood out to me:
  •  The effects of childhood trauma, including emotional neglect or abuse in childhood, can have alarmingly potent effects on our psyche .
  • Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse have lived an existence where love was rarely ever unconditional, if given at all.
  • Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse can rise above their childhood conditioning.

The five lies Shadida Arabi discusses are:

  1. Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse were taught they are not inherently worthy, but rather that one’s worth depends on appearance, status, and reputation.
  2. Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse were taught the need to be perfect and successful, but one should never be rewarded for it or feel ‘enough.’
  3. Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse were taught there is always someone better, and they must be beaten.
  4. Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse were taught contempt is a part of love and ‘normal’ in a relationship.
  5. Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse were taught one’s emotions are not valid.

 

She offers insight into how to address these lies and to recover from this kind of abuse. She states, “…we have to learn to protect ourselves from further abuse and set up a plan to better engage in self-care… We must allow ourselves to grieve for the loss of our childhood and embrace the truth that our parents may have never loved us, or wanted the best for us, but that we can ‘reparent’ ourselves the best ways we know how – through empathy, compassion, self-acceptance and self-love. Make no mistake: when you are the child of a narcissistic parent, the idea that you never deserved this love, is perhaps the biggest lie of all.”

Being a Threat

26 Thursday Jan 2017

Posted by in health, Observations, recovery

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No joke, we witnessed this up close when a person we love was shamed, blamed and yes, told they were being selfish for wanting healing. It was so shocking to us we couldn’t wrap our brains around it. Now we get it.

Check out Shannon Thomas’ book, “Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.”

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