Guide for Going Back

10 Friday Mar 2017

Posted by braddahr in health, Observations, recovery

Tags

Abuse, family, healing, help, hope, narcissism, recovery, relationships, toxic

I found this interesting post on the Facebook page Recovering from a Relationship with a Narcissist. The post was speaking to a partner of a narcissist but for this summary I made it generic – partner, sibling, child. I recommend you read the whole post.

HOW TO LIVE WITH A NARCISSIST…. if you decide to stay or go back

The narcissist won’t change. To change you need to acknowledge your issues but narcissists don’t have issues – only other people have issues.
Forget about trying to have boundaries. If you try to enforce your boundaries, the narcissist will pout generally make your life miserable because narcissists are all about power over you and having control. Note that the narcissist NEVER apologizes, at least not sincerely
You will live in a “no win” situation. Narcissists are not about “win-win” but sees the world in terms of winners and losers.
The narcissist will begin or continue to bad mouth/gossip about you to their friends to create “flying monkeys” – people who take their side – and destabilize your support systems/self-care/recover
You’ll need to develop a high tolerance for toxic behaviour AND THEN, watching the narcissist fool everyone, in public, into thinking how nice they are.

The author concluded with this: “The question we all face is whether we are up for all this. It’s important to honestly face the truth when you make a decision. When I finally did, 20 years in, and I realized the narcissist would never change, I made the decision to get out.”

5 Damaging Lies We Learn From Narcissistic Parents

23 Thursday Feb 2017

Posted by braddahr in Observations, recovery

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Abuse, healing, help, hope, narcissism, parents, personal, relationships, Shame

I recently discovered Shahida Arabi, an Amazon Bestselling Author and Founder of Self-Care Haven. She wrote an article called, 5 Damaging Lies We Learn From Narcissistic Parents. I encourage you to read it. Here are a few key thoughts that stood out to me:

The effects of childhood trauma, including emotional neglect or abuse in childhood, can have alarmingly potent effects on our psyche .
Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse have lived an existence where love was rarely ever unconditional, if given at all.
Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse can rise above their childhood conditioning.

The five lies Shadida Arabi discusses are:

Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse were taught they are not inherently worthy, but rather that one’s worth depends on appearance, status, and reputation.
Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse were taught the need to be perfect and successful, but one should never be rewarded for it or feel ‘enough.’
Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse were taught there is always someone better, and they must be beaten.
Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse were taught contempt is a part of love and ‘normal’ in a relationship.
Childhood survivors of narcissistic abuse were taught one’s emotions are not valid.

She offers insight into how to address these lies and to recover from this kind of abuse. She states, “…we have to learn to protect ourselves from further abuse and set up a plan to better engage in self-care… We must allow ourselves to grieve for the loss of our childhood and embrace the truth that our parents may have never loved us, or wanted the best for us, but that we can ‘reparent’ ourselves the best ways we know how – through empathy, compassion, self-acceptance and self-love. Make no mistake: when you are the child of a narcissistic parent, the idea that you never deserved this love, is perhaps the biggest lie of all.”

Diversion Tactics – Projection

25 Wednesday Jan 2017

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, health, Observations, recovery

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Abuse, accountability, healing, help, hope, narcissism, projection, recovery, toxic

Lately, I’ve been discovering common behaviours of Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths. Keep in mind that those are personality disorders and it’s not a good idea to go around labelling people just because they’re jerks. These posts will cover just a few common behaviours that might alert you to possible mistreatment. Please check the link at the bottom for the full list. If these things are happening to you, please seek help so you can have hope and healing.

The following is a summary from an article by by Shahida Arabi at http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/. Shahida Arabi is a poet and the author of the book She Who Destroys the Light: Fairy Tales Gone Wrong.

Toxic people such as malignant narcissists, psychopaths and those with antisocial traits engage in maladaptive behaviors in relationships that ultimately exploit, demean and hurt their intimate partners, family members and friends. They use a plethora of diversionary tactics that distort the reality of their victims and deflect responsibility. Although those who are not narcissistic can employ these tactics as well, abusive narcissists use these to an excessive extent in an effort to escape accountability for their actions. Here are diversionary tactics toxic people use to silence and degrade you.

Projection

One sure sign of toxicity is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his or her own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid being held accountable for them. This is known as projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility of one’s negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability.

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While we all engage in projection to some extent, according to Narcissistic Personality clinical expert Dr. Martinez-Lewi, the projections of a narcissist are often psychologically abusive. Rather than acknowledge their own flaws, imperfections and wrongdoings, malignant narcissists and sociopaths opt to dump their own traits on their unsuspecting suspects in a way that is painful and excessively cruel. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, they would prefer that their victims take responsibility for their behavior and feel ashamed of themselves. This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another.

Don’t “project” your own sense of compassion or empathy onto a toxic person and don’t own any of the toxic person’s projections either. As manipulation expert and author Dr. George Simon (2010) notes in his book In Sheep’s Clothing, projecting our own conscience and value system onto others has the potential consequence of being met with further exploitation.

Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum usually have no interest in self-insight or change. It’s important to cut ties and end interactions with toxic people as soon as possible so you can get centered in your own reality and validate your own identity. You don’t have to live in someone else’s cesspool of dysfunction.

Close One

15 Sunday Jan 2017

Posted by braddahr in health, Observations

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Canadians are Awesome, health, learning, narcissism, Normal, Not American, personal, questions, relationships

I’ve been learning a lot about narcissism. You know the idea that nurses and doctors, when they’re learning about diseases, start to think they have diseases? Well, I got to thinking, which is always a bit dangerous so I took a quiz just to make sure I’m not a narcissist. This was the report:

So the good news is, it seems I don’t have psychopathic or sociopathic personality disorder. But now I wonder if maybe I’m coming in too low… Being lower than an American is really positive I think, since I’m Canadian, but should I work on getting up to a score of 10 or so?

What would be your score? Find out: Am I a Narcissist?

They Know

07 Saturday Jan 2017

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, Observations, recovery

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

anxiety, healing, help, hope, narcissism, recovery, relationships, toxic

I had this recent experience where a person I knew exploded in a meeting and accused me of all sorts of things. Fortunately, I not only hadn’t done what he accused me of, I had good documentation, witnesses, and backing from my employer. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t stunned, wounded actually; truthfully it really affected me for several weeks.

I couldn’t wrap my brain around why a person would do what he did. I mean, I know he was stressed out but make stuff up, make wild claims, seriously he was off the chain. Then I read this from Shannon Thomas.

Check out Shannon Thomas’ book, “Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.”

No Way

23 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, Observations, Spirituality

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Tags

Abuse, emotional health, narcissism, recovery, relationships, suicide prevention, trauma

Have you ever sat down to write and you’re filled with dread at the thought of digging through memories?

One year ago today, I was asked to meet with a young adult, a member of a church I was pastoring, who was in a great deal of distress and unwilling to talk with or get help from their family. In fact, they wanted complete confidentiality.

We met a couple days later and as I sat with this harmed, hurting, and hope lacking person I made a commitment to them that, come what may, I would do whatever I could to help them not just stay alive but rediscover life. I instantly knew that it would not be an easy journey and that it was going to cost me personally and professionally but I determined not to waiver or shrink back.

Initially, I simply arranged for access to professional counselling. Until it started, I asked for permission to check in with the person on a regular basis until the counselling began. Little did I know during that first meeting that this person would take a piece of my heart and shortly thereafter, my wife’s heart, too. Over time, the person became a friend and even as one of our own children. We nicknamed the person Velveteen Rabbit; one who was day by day determining to become a real person who could be unconditionally loved and boldly love others.

What a journey it was. I was able to draw on my experience and knowledge and at other times I was totally ill equipped and over my head. I was strategic and thoughtful but sometimes flying by the seat of my pants and blurting things out. I dug deep into my well of patience and compassion and faith-based strength even so, along the way I developed sleep and anxiety disorders from which I’m still trying to recover. I was able to provide a great deal of recovery support while sometimes adding to our friend’s distress when my own woundedness spilled out. And then there was prayer. Lots and lots of prayer.

There were some really scary times, times when we weren’t sure the person would be alive the next day. There was some really good times, too many to recount here but when I remember them I smile and feel deep joy. Along the way, I rediscovered the game UNO and was introduced to two others. Our friend was pretty cocky at being excellent at these games so it was always very difficult to be gracious when I soundly beat them. I would just smile ever so slightly…

It was beautiful to see our Velveteen Rabbit take steps towards life. Sometimes slowly and haltingly, other times confidently and boldly. Like all recovery there were relapses but we would be there and help them get back on their feet. Many times we were just a safe place away from a toxic home (their words) and an unkind world; we have a big blue comfy recliner and that was VR’s favourite spot when sanctuary was needed.

Sadly, our part in our friends journey has come to an end for now, perhaps forever. My wife has fleeting, few and far between, contacts. Not a day goes by when I don’t have a little tremor of worry for our friend. I still pray for our Velveteen Rabbit all the time.

As for me, I was fairly accurate in my assessment of how the journey would impact me. Eventually, most of the story was revealed to our friend’s family. They didn’t appreciate our involvement. I was compared to Satan. It was really confusing to me. As a parent, my focus would be on helping my child not attacking people that were helping them and shrieking about how I was offended. I am careful not to use labels but I’m pretty sure I encountered an actual narcissist. My career was jeopardized, I was accused of terrible things, and there was a definite and deliberate attempt to destroy my reputation and assassinate my character. The upside is, I think I’m better equipped if I run into that kind of abuse again. On the downside, at least once of day I get little anxiety attacks from that experience.

Here’s the thing: As I look back on the last year, I regret nothing. Sure, I have confusion, doubts, and sometimes I feel like I really failed. But if God came to me and asked, “Brad, now that you know what’s going to happen, do you want to go back and stop it from happening?”

I would say with all my heart, “No way.”