Tag Archives: marriage

How to Be a Happy Couple

06 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by in Discovery, Observations, relationships

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My partner and I recently had a chance to teach a class on marriage survival. It was a great experience. Then just the other day, I found this article: 12 Things Happy Couples Do Every Single Day.

I’m not sure about trying to follow a list of items to do every day. That might make your relationship a bit formulaic. Still, this is a good list of loving actions that will help your relationship be healthier and stronger. Here are a few highlights:

 

Hugs!

Listen!

 

Find ways to brighten your partner’s day! 

Cuddles! 

 

How about you? What do you and your partner do to keep joy alive and nurture the love you have?

Love Songs

17 Tuesday May 2016

Posted by in Inspiration, Observations, Spirituality

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I have a distinct memory from when I was in my religious studies classes (not like it was decades ago – I was a mature student). One of my professors said, with great disdain, that many of the modern Christian songs sound like a love song couples might sing to each other. A few people gave an amen. A few chuckled. But I started pondering…

Of all the metaphors God gives for our relationship with him, the most intimate is that of husband and bride. I believe that God meets us where we are with the metaphor that best speaks to us but then moves us to greater and greater intimacy with him – to the marriage metaphor. When he returns the major imagery is a groom coming for his bride and when we are all reunited it’s called the wedding supper of the lamb.

I like songs about God – his majesty, salvation, and comfort but maybe it’s a good thing that many newer Christian songs are singing to God; like love songs that a couple might sing to each other.

Now, how about this: what if God was to sing songs to us? What would they sound like? He would have to put them into ways we will understand; an unfiltered God song would be beyond what we can imagine. Sometimes, I hear God singing to us in love songs. Today, I again heard John Legend’s “All of Me.” It occurred to me that it could easily be God singing to you and me, his beloved bride to be.  Check out some of the lyrics:

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, in my head for you

Check out Zephaniah 3:17: “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”

And to me, the chorus sounds like the cross:

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you.

What songs remind you of God’s love for you and his desire for you to be his forever bride?

Benefits of Shacking Up

10 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by in Observations

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Shacking up has taken a lot of hits lately. First, there was all the data that shows married couples tend to be healthier, live longer, and report being more happier and contented than shacking up couples. Then it has been revealed couples who live together before engagement have higher divorce rates than those who wait.

However, I believe that all these studies overlook the most important benefit of shacking up. You see, when a couple decides to make a life long commitment to each other, in public, before family and friends, there is accountability. Public declarations put our character and integrity on the line. Marriage reveals whether we are truly a person who keeps promises; who is trustworthy and reliable.

Shacking up lets us avoid all that nonsense, especially when the break up comes. Shacking up gives us the benefit of being able to say, “We wanted to see if we were compatible and we’ve decided to go our separate ways.” We can say it’s not big deal because it’s not like we were married, we were just shacking up. Sure, if we shack up and then split it’s still a little death, still just damaging if kids are involved, still a huge hit financially but we don’t have to acknowledge before family and friends the pain and shame of divorce. We never have to face the reality that one or both partners focused on self gratification rather than surrendered, unconditional love.

Shacking up means never have to put your character on the line; with no accountability there’s not challenge to our integrity.

Good Lust

09 Tuesday Dec 2014

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Whenever I’ve been around a conversation that includes the topic of lust I have noticed that at least one person will ask, “Isn’t a little lust a good thing?”

I get where they are coming from. From what they say, they typically mean that between partners, it’s good to have some passionate desire for each other. That’s certainly true. The thing is, that’s not what lust means.

Lust is when we have a desire and we want to use another person to satisfy it. It’s selfishness because we put our needs above the other’s needs, it’s objectifying the other, dehumanizing them. It’s an abuse. With that understanding, asking “Isn’t a little lust a good thing?” is similar to asking, “Isn’t a little abuse a good thing?”

When Jesus was showing us our deep need for healing, he pointed out that adultery isn’t just a physical offence but begins in the heart and concerns how we treat or mistreat others. When we lust after another person, even if we don’t or can’t follow through with a physical act, we’ve already done the worst of it – reduced the person to just a thing to satisfy our needs.

How do you know if you are loving or lusting; passionate for your spouse or objectifying them? To me, the simple test is asking how you feel when your partner is unable or unwilling to participate. If you feel angry or annoyed with your lover, rather than compassionate towards them, you were probably lusting rather than loving.

Three E’s – Excitement

25 Tuesday Nov 2014

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Welcome back to the Three E’s to a Marvellous Marriage. So far, we’ve considered Exclusiveness and Expression.  Our challenge is to be Exclusive with our mate; make spouse first in our life; to love our lover more than we love ourselves. At the same time, we seek to Express our love to our mate. That means listening to their heart, how do they experience love, and then acting on it. Now for our last E to a Marvellous Marriage: Excitement.

When we are courting and newly married, we are flush with romantic love; infatuation mixed with some steamy passion. We stay up all night talking on the phone, impulsively buy a dozen roses or run away for the weekend. These exciting feelings are normal and natural and they serve a purpose – to develop deeper intimacy with your mate. The infatuation that comes with courting and even early marriage ensures your attention is absorbed by your partner; you are Exclusive. You want your mate to know she is first in your life so at every opportunity you are affirming and loving; you overflow with Expression. Your relationship overflows with excitement. Does it last?

Over time, life becomes routine, there are bills to pay, possibly children to raise… our Excitement wanes. A friend told me how happy she was that she was married. She said, “I was worried I would have to keep up that fitness thing forever.”

While we have responsibilities and it’s not realistic to maintain the infatuation high, you can still have Excitement in your relationship and it doesn’t require huge amounts of time or money. What it needs is for you to be intentional. Shut off the idiot box (you really won’t miss anything), skip a meeting and go for lunch, put down the iPad (well, after you finish this blog). Have a picnic in your living room. Just go for a walk together. You get the idea.

It’s not going to be easy. Everything good takes time, faith and work. Love is worth it. Your marriage is worth it. Your spouse is worth it. You are worth it. Now go build your Marvellous Marriage!

Three E’s – Expression

17 Monday Nov 2014

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Last week in our series, The Three E’s to a Marvellous Marriage, we considered the first E: Exclusiveness.  Your challenge was to begin making your mate first in your life; to love your lover more than you love yourself. Being truly Exclusive with your spouse will help you begin building a Marvellous Marriage and it will naturally lead to the next E in our series, Expression.

You probably know at least one person who is an expert at expression, particularly when it comes to pointing out what we do wrong. That’s not what I am talking about. Expression means communicating loving affirmation to your spouse. This can be quite challenging but it’s worth it. It has been found that consistent loving affirmation will affair-proof your marriage and ensure it’s success. (For a really good article on this, click here.)

There are many barriers to communicating love to your mate. One barrier is that our willingness to give loving affirmation comes and goes depending on mood or circumstances. Choosing to live out Exclusiveness means we strive to act on what is best for our partner at all times. Living our Expression means that regardless of the payoff, how we feel, or how our life is going we strive to always affirm our partner.

Another barrier is simply not being aware what love sounds like to your partner. Your mate may feel most loved when you spend time with her, giving her your undivided attention. Your spouse may feel most loved when you simply tell him how much you appreciate him, what he does, what he means to you. The point is you need to ask you partner when he or she feels most loved and then act on that information, expressing your love in a way they can best receive it.

Next week, we’ll look at our last E to a Marvellous Marriage.

Three E’s – Exclusiveness

12 Wednesday Nov 2014

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If you’re married, I’m also going to assume you want a marriage that’s healthy and truly lasts until death do you part. I want to suggest three principles that I have found to help my own relationship and the relationships of my friends. These principles all begin with the letter E: Three E’s to a Marvellous Marriage.

It’s ironic that we are selfish beings and at the same time seek to have a life-long, intimate, relationship which demands unselfishness. No wonder making a marvellous marriage is a struggle! If you fail to address your selfishness it won’t be long before your marriage suffers.

The first E to a marvellous marriage: Exclusiveness. Exclusiveness is being with only one person and putting the needs of that person before your own. It means loving another person more than you love yourself. Faced with a major decision Exclusiveness means you first ask yourself what will be best for your spouse and your marriage rather than what’s best for you. What are you putting before your spouse; what is getting in the way of deeper intimacy with the love of your life?

This week I invite you to make a conscious effort to make your spouse first in your life; love your lover more than you love yourself. Next week we will take a look at the next E to a marvellous marriage.

 

Three E’s to a Marvellous Marriage

04 Tuesday Nov 2014

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I’m going to assume that you want to love and be loved in return. If you’re married, I’m also going to assume you want a marriage that’s healthy and truly lasts until death do you part. What do you do when things get tough? What do you do when things start to cool? What do you do?

A casual glance at the magazines along the grocery store check out reveals there is lots of advice on how to improve our relationships. Unfortunately, most of it’s the same old stuff just regurgitated every month.

They're all the same!

They’re all the same!

Rather than some quick tips that might make you pull a muscle, over the next few weeks, I want to suggest three principles that I have found to help my own relationship and the relationships of my friends. These principles all begin with the letter E; Three E’s to a Marvellous Marriage.

Stay tuned for for the first E next week.

Simple

16 Monday Jun 2014

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In a small group I belong to, the question was asked: “What does it mean to be a Christian?”

There were several comments made, all interesting and generally descriptive of the Christian experience. There was acceptance of the Apostle’s Creed (which by the way wasn’t the Apostle’s creed but that’s another story), keeping the commandments, baptism, fellowship in a faith community, love, etc.

I offer you what I offered the group: What is the key, foundational, difference between a single person and a person who is married?

To me, the key, foundational, difference is that the married person is in an intimate, trusting, exclusive relationship with another person. All the other aspects of what it means to be married come from that one specific choice.

Many times over, our creator invites us into a covenantal relationship that is described in terms of marriage. There are all sorts of things that happen once we accept God’s proposal, things that some call being Christian, but they all come from the one foundation: an intimate, trusting, exclusive relationship with the one who has loved us from the beginning.

So what do you think?