Tag Archives: help

Chew On This

09 Monday Jul 2018

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A while back, I was in a board meeting as I had been many times before. It was fairly routine. When the second last item came up, the person presenting – not a fan of me and quietly hostile for the last several months – took the opportunity to tear me apart in front of everyone. Needless to say the entire tone of the meeting changed. During his rant, I was accused of fraud, being inappropriate with a person I care about, even racist. Those that knew me and/or knew the situation stayed mostly silent or spoke in a way that gave my accuser more fuel for his fire. Talk about being slain the house of my friends!

I spoke quietly to the two main accusations – fraud and being inappropriate which were both completely false (afterwards I was provided written statements by those involved that denied the accusations).  I clarified a few other details. I tried to be as gracious as possible. I even apologized for things I felt I could have done better. At that point the person started screaming, “He’s a liar, he’s a liar.”

That one left a pretty big wound. Even writing this is difficult and brings me distress. I can’t drive past that person’s neighbourhood without having a mild anxiety episode.

One of the dangers of having a distressing experience like that is that as the days go by, we can fall into ruminating. I did and I have to catch myself before it gets bad.

Do you know why ruminating is a problem? According to Dr. Guy Winch, in his book Emotional First Aid and in an article specifically on this topic, “Rumination is when we bring up emotional distress and “chew on it” repeatedly… When we don’t have resolution, ruminating goes wrong when we play the same distressing scenes in our head over and over.”  Here are some key points Dr. Winch notes about rumination.

Rumination is maladaptive – it doesn’t help us find resolution and amplifies our distress.

Rumination is addictive – the more we ruminate, the more compelled we feel to continue doing so.

Rumination increases risk of becoming depressed and it can prolong the duration of depressive episodes.

Rumination can increase substance and food abuse as we try to manage or numb out the distressing emotions we feel.

Rumination focuses on the negative which tends to spread to seeing other aspects of our lives too negatively.

Rumination impairs problem solving.

Rumination increases our stress responses and that increases our risk of cardiovascular disease.

To break the the rumination habit, Dr. Winch recommends going cold turkey – making a decision to avoid it and striving to stick with it. What can help through this process is distraction. When you feel rumination coming on, try a movie, exercise, puzzles, Angry Birds (is that still a thing?), really anything that requires concentration. This tends to break the pattern and bring us back to a calmer state. This will take practice so don’t give up. Your rumination patterns will fade with time.

Do you struggle with rumination? What are you doing to reduce it?

 

Holding Space

11 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by in Discovery, Inspiration, Observations, relationships

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“Holding Space means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.” ~Heather Plett

What does holding space feel like? Here’s a great example.

 

I am striving to be better at holding space for people. A great article that explores this topic is, What it Really Means to Hold Space for Someone. The author explores how she discovered how holding space was valuable and how to cultivate it in our lives. Here are a few quotes:

“By offering gentle, nonjudgmental support and guidance, she helped us walk one of the most difficult journeys of our lives.”

 

“Sometimes we find ourselves holding space for people while they hold space for others.”

 

“To truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (ie. trying to fix their problems), shaming them (ie. implying that they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them (ie. giving them more information than they’re ready for).”

I encourage you to read the whole article and incorporate as many of the insights as you can.

Do you hold space for others? What does that look like? Who holds space for you?

Bounce Back

04 Monday Jun 2018

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Everyone has a story that will make you cry. Many have a story that will overwhelm you with grief. No one gets through this life without being wounded.

But why do some people handle these wounds better than others? Why do some people find it so difficult to get back up once they’ve been knocked down? How about you? How do you handle the junk that life throws at you? How can you become better at bouncing back?

Resiliency is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. Think of a rubber band being stretched but is still able to return back to its original shape. There are a number of factors that contribute to our coping skills but each of us can nurture our capacity to bounce back or be resilient.

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The foundation of our resiliency was developed as we were growing up. Evidence from epigenetics suggests our capacity forms in the womb and even comes down to us from our parents’ capacity to bounce back!! What is your resiliency capacity? Check out this survey (found at https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/). Note that there’s no right or wrong per se – it’s just what has been.

RESILIENCE Questionnaire – Please circle the most accurate answer under each statement:

1.  I believe that my mother loved me when I was little.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

2.  I believe that my father loved me when I was little.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

3.  When I was little, other people helped my mother and father take care of me and they seemed to love me.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

4.   I’ve heard that when I was an infant someone in my family enjoyed playing with me, and I enjoyed it, too.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

5.  When I was a child, there were relatives in my family who made me feel better if I was sad or worried.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

6.   When I was a child, neighbors or my friends’ parents seemed to like me.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

7.  When I was a child, teachers, coaches, youth leaders or ministers were there to help me.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

8.  Someone in my family cared about how I was doing in school.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

9.  My family, neighbors, and friends talked often about making our lives better.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

10.  We had rules in our house and were expected to keep them.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

11. When I felt really bad, I could almost always find someone I trusted to talk to.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

12.  As a youth, people noticed that I was capable and could get things done.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

13.  I was independent and a go-getter.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

14.  I believed that life is what you make it.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

Now ask yourself these questions:

How many of these 14 protective factors did I have as a child and youth? (How many of the 14 were circled “Definitely True” or “Probably True”?)   _______

Of these circled, how many are still true for me? _______

This exercise may have made you realize two things. First, your capacity for resiliency was being built before you were even aware of what was going on. Second, depending on your answers, you may also note that you didn’t experience some important protective factors that would have developed your capacity to bounce back. What if you had an upbringing that had many adverse experiences that diminished your resiliency?

All is not lost! With knowledge and awareness, we can be intentional about building our resilience capacity. Here are some practices we find helps us be more resilient:

  • Have a healthy and active lifestyle. A healthy and active lifestyle includes nourishing your whole self. Enjoy health-giving food, recreation, and sleep. Care for your mental wellness through learning, mindfulness, and reframing distorted thinking. Feed your spirituality through inspirational readings and practices.
  • Develop good supports in your life. We don’t need dozens of friends but a few quality relationships with people who are empathetic, keep your confidence but are also honest with you; holding you accountable to commitments you make.
  • Increase other centered activity. Serving others has the effect of getting us out of our heads, gives us goals and provides healthy routine.
  • Develop healthy boundaries. Boundaries are ways we pursue what’s best for us and others, protects us from unhealthy situations and people, and keeps us responsible and effective. A good resource for boundaries is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud & John Townsend.

Each of us will respond differently to these practice. Some will be better at developing their resiliency than others. It’s important to find the ones that help you where you are currently at and then adapt as time goes on. Developing resilience is a life-long pursuit but it’s also a life-giving pursuit – you are worth it!

Written by Noreen M. & Brad D.
co-founders of COME2LIFE. ​​​​​​​Also published on COME2LIFE.net.

It Lingers

02 Tuesday Jan 2018

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Lately, I have been on a journey to learn as much as I can about trauma. I recently went through a series on trauma presented by the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. It was mind-blowing – and often beyond my brain power – but fantastic nonetheless.

Another topic that interests me is nurturing healthy relationships. Love and belonging are critical to our wholeheartedness – our capacity to deal with the junk that smashes into us on a regular basis.

Anyway, here’s how those two come together. Those who had childhood trauma typicallygiphy-2 struggle more than others in their romantic relationships. That’s not big news as most of us are aware how our past affects our present. But the key question is why – why does trauma create these difficulties?

Self-criticism. 

Apparently, childhood trauma produces a great deal of self-criticism and it’s the self-criticism that hurts the relationship. To be clear, the studies that have noted this weren’t saying it’s a definitive cause and effect. I’m sure there is more to this story and many subtle differences between people. It’s just a link we need to be aware of.

The good news is, there is help, hope and healing. We can reduce self-criticism and improve our relationships. Talk with a counsellor, check out online resources, pick up a book or two (Dr. Guy Winch’s book “Emotional First Aid” covers this topic fairly well I think.) Explore the options and find what works for you.

Are you overly self-critical? If so, can you see how it’s negatively impacting your relationships? What do you do to reduce self-criticism?

 

Mates Matter

18 Monday Dec 2017

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I recently discovered the folks over at Time to Change. They have some excellent videos and resources on mental health. Here’s a few highlights from one of their articles, 5 Simple Ways to Support a Mate with a Mental Health Problem. 

 

Meet for Coffee – “The amazing thing about meeting for a coffee or asking someone if they’d like to drop in for a cup of tea is that you can do it almost anywhere, anytime.” Just being present with a friend who is struggling provides comfort, empathy, and courage to face the world. Remember that it’s important to listen without judgment.

 

Asking how they are – slowing down long enough to ask how’s it going and then patiently listening opens the door for your mate to open up to you.

 

Find safe places to talk – “Walking together or sitting driving are both amazing, because the experience of talking to someone whilst you’re side by side can be so much more freeing and less daunting than face to face.”

Post power – If you can’t connect in person, send a letter or a little parcel if you can. It’s retro which is why it’s also meaningful.

Little gestures – you don’t have to be extravagant (I am and it’s a blessing and a curse) but little things can communicate your care and support for your mate.

 

Check out the whole article for the full story but it all comes down to being mindful of your mates, slowing down to really listen, and just bring present in their life.

How do you support your mates?

I Want to Live

16 Thursday Nov 2017

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As I read the words, my heart was pounding, my ears were burning, my mind was spinning.

Our adopted daughter had asked to come over because she had something to give us. It had been a stressful week for her in the middle of a stressful year, in the middle of a distressed life. After she arrived and settled in, she handed us a letter.

My eyes scanned the pages; I was trying to stay my usual cool and unconventional self while internally feeling totally overwhelmed and inadequate for what was happening. My mouth went dry, my hands tingled, adrenaline was rushing through me.

She had given us her suicide letter.

We thanked her for sharing and then asked what did it mean that she was giving it to us. She said she didn’t need it anymore.

And what did that mean we asked. It felt like we were holding our breath all this time. Scenarios were running through our heads at lightning speed. No shame, no judgment, support, love, safe right now.

She said, “Because I want to live.” And with that declaration, her tears came rushing forward as if a dam was bursting. We just sat with her, cared for her. It’s all we know to do.

That was Spring 2016. Thankfully, as I write this, she is still alive. We count every new day as a victory. The journey isn’t easy, in fact, it’s downright crushing sometimes but she is a warrior.

If you’re reading this, dear Velveteen Rabbit, our hope and prayer with all the love we can send through the distance between us, is that you keep fighting. Remember your supports, ignore the crap that comes your way, and when you relapse – regroup and press forward. Hang on. No matter what, you can survive and thrive.

And when you’re feeling overwhelmed, rest in what you know to be true: you remain, unquestionably lovely, intrinsically love-worthy, and unconditionally loved.

It Happened

30 Monday Oct 2017

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Believe it or not, I used to be a competitive swimmer. I did it for about 2 years. I got my picture in the paper which was cool. I swam a 2 hour, 200 length (5000m), swim-a-thon for some charity and then discovered that people who sponsor kids for events don’t like to pay said kids post event. But I peaked around 10 years of age and moved on to other things, like sleeping in because I didn’t have to go to the pool at 6am.  It’s about priorities.

Anyway, one day after swim club, I was in the changing room and a man with a disability approached me. He was difficult to understand but he seemed friendly. He stuck out his hand for what I thought was a handshake. I went to shake his hand and he proceeded to grab my hand and then he started to undo his pants. I was frozen – shocked by what was happening – and then he put my hand on his crotch.

The incident ended in moments. I pulled my hand away, grabbed my stuff and headed for the door. My mom was waiting for me. I told her what happened.  She told the staff who promptly took action. I’m grateful for my mom who I could talk to. I’m grateful that I didn’t have to keep it secret due to fear of that man or even fear or shame from my parents.

Even so, I don’t talk about it. This is the first time I’ve written about it. When I remember it, I still feel that sense of being trapped and powerless, I still feel my own shame. I decided to take this journey into my past and to share it here because it has become crystal clear to me that when we are hurt like this (and I recognize my experience was really minor compared to most), silence and shame are just as harmful as the initial abuse. They feed it, let the past hold us captive, prevent us from healing.

I would never say one who has been hurt must speak about it. Each person should be in charge of their own healing journey. I would say, don’t let silence hurt you more than already have been. 

I also want you to know I’m listening and I believe you. 

ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a

14 Monday Aug 2017

Posted by in Observations, recovery

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Checking the dictionary it says this about agoraphobia:

“An abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.”

This isn’t a definitive article on this condition. I honestly don’t know lots about it. I can say that it’s often misunderstood due to TV and movies that suggest it’s just a fear of being outside or around people. Basically, a person can experience this at any place or area, even one’s own home.

Check this out:

This is 87 Avenue, just east of 170 Street in Edmonton, Alberta. Up until a few weeks ago, we lived in this area. Due to a journey we took with a wonderful young person, I had a full on encounter with a psychologically abusive person who came after me. It wasn’t the fault of the person we welcomed into our life but it was related to that time. The person that came after me, lives in the area off to the right.

After we moved, we came back a few days later to do one last check for mail (just in case anything got missed by the post office forward). As we crossed over 170 Street, my heart was gripped with anxiety.  My heart rate shot up and I just had this sense of fear. This wasn’t the first time I had this experience in this area, it’s happened most every day when passing this area and don’t get me started on what it’s like to walk here rather than drive) but it was the first time it hit me – I had developed a mild agoraphobia. My hope is, over time and not being in the area for a long time, I will have healing and be free from that person’s impact on me.

Shields Up!

31 Monday Jul 2017

Posted by in Discovery, relationships

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How would you feel if I told you something about yourself that you didn’t want to hear? Maybe it’s a complaint about something you said. Maybe I am angry or hurt about something you did. What would you do?

When this happens to me, I listen attentively and respond with appreciation for the feedback. If it’s appropriate, I try to own it, apologize and seek to make amends.

Ha ha, just kidding. I usually get a little, sometimes a lot, defensive. I try not to. I honestly strive for the ideal response. There’s just that part of me that says, “Shields up! Load torpedoes!”giphy

The thing is, defensiveness is really damaging to relationships. Dr. John Gottman has noted that it’s one of the four relationship killers. If you want to have a healthy thriving relationship, how do you get out of the defensiveness trap?

I found a short article from his group on Listening Without Getting Defensive. I recommend you check it out. Here are a few snippets…

“While it’s important for the speaker to complain without blame and state a positive need to prevent the listener from flooding or responding defensively, it’s also vital for the listener to learn to self-soothe.”

“Dr. Gottman suggests using a notepad to write down everything your partner says, which is especially helpful when you’re feeling defensive. This also helps you remember what was said when you reflect back what you hear or it’s your turn to speak.”

“During tough conversations it’s helpful to focus on your affection and respect for your partner.”

 

“Remember to postpone your agenda and focus on understanding your partner.”

“Look inward and see what you are telling yourself about what this conflict means and how it may impact you.”

“Ask yourself, Why am I getting defensive? What am I trying to protect? Your partner’s complaint is about their needs, not yours, so soothe your defensiveness so you can be there for them.”

“If your partner is saying something that is triggering, ask them to say it in a different way.”

 

“Long-lasting love requires courage. The courage to be vulnerable and to listen non-defensively, even in the heat of conflict. Especially when we are hurt and angry.”

 

That’s a Fact, Jack!

14 Wednesday Jun 2017

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Sadly, this is a very real experience and one that hits home to me for two reasons. In the past, I saw this 18620634_10155317510328838_6406869147484519574_okind of thing and didn’t know what was happening. I regret not having the knowledge and the backbone to make a difference in those situations.

It also hits home, because one of these people got me in just the way Shannon Thomas describes. While I was taken aback by the shock of it all, the part that hurt, still hurts, is how people I counted as friends so easily turned to the negative. One co-worker called me shortly after the major attack, revealing that he had been “filled in on the story” just before the meeting and suggested I “just apologize” to the accuser. My flying monkey alarm bells went off big time. I now keep safe distance from that co-worker. The worst part is, he is a key leader in the church and I am concerned that his willingness to be a flying monkey will harm  those to whom he ministers.

I encourage you to check out Shannon Thomas’ book, “Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.” Her book is available as paperback, Kindle, and audiobook.

Remember that not everyone who is a jerk is a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath. If we’re honest, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of. However, if you have a person in your life who demonstrates repeated narcistic-like behaviours without genuine remorse (on my blog do a search for “Diversion Tactics), then you need to be very careful, establish boundaries, and perhaps seek professional assistance.