02 Monday Apr 2018
Posted in Observations, relationships
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Healthy relationships are so important; love and belonging are critical for resilience and recovery. The folks at the Gottman Institute are amazing at helping people be their best relationships. Check out this summary of harsh vs. soft arguments.
24 Sunday Dec 2017
Posted in Discovery, health, questions, relationships
I like to talk about relationships. I’ve done pre-marriage counselling, I’ve done a multi-part workshop on developing a marvellous marriage, and sadly, I’ve sat with a friend having a breakdown because her husband cheated on her. As such, I keep my eyes open for perspectives on helping relationships be stronger.
“The Conversations We Should Really Be Having With Our Partners If We Want Our Relationships To Last” is an article I believe can be really helpful if you want to have a deeper, stronger, relationship with your partner. Here are some highlights, I recommend you check out the whole article.
Conversations you and your partner need to have (consider the following to be quotes from the article):
I want you to tell me what to do because I can’t read your mind – If I truly love my partner, I want to pay attention to their needs. In order for me to do that, I need to know what those needs are. There is a faulty belief that occurs, and we’re all guilty of it: No one can read your mind. If you need something, it’s on you to ask for it.
I want you to tell me how to love you because I take that responsibility seriously – a lot of us are existing in relationships where we feel unloved, neglected, or unimportant. We can make small changes that can create a huge, positive ripple effect.
I want you to tell me how you feel because it helps me understand who you are – What if we give the other person the space and time to open up, and know that we want them to because we want to know what they are feeling and why.
I want you to tell me how to talk to you because communication will make or break us – if you’re having trouble communicating, try focusing on listening rather than trying to get your point across. Ask more questions.
I want you to tell me what you want to do to me because I want to be the one you share your erotic self with – it’s scary to communicate what we want for fear of judgment, criticism, or rejection. Intimate desires, just like emotions, can be really difficult for people to express.
I want you to tell me how to touch you because I care about our intimate connection – when we show interest in meeting our partner’s intimate needs, it’s a way of communicating that they are important.
I want to know what makes you happy. I can’t do it for you, but I can support your journey – the only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. However, we can absolutely support our significant other in trying to achieve, accomplish, or realize anything they identify that might make them happy.
What do you think about these conversations? Could you have them with your partner?
06 Monday Nov 2017
Posted in Discovery, Observations, relationships
My partner and I recently had a chance to teach a class on marriage survival. It was a great experience. Then just the other day, I found this article: 12 Things Happy Couples Do Every Single Day.
I’m not sure about trying to follow a list of items to do every day. That might make your relationship a bit formulaic. Still, this is a good list of loving actions that will help your relationship be healthier and stronger. Here are a few highlights:
Hugs!
Listen!
Find ways to brighten your partner’s day!
Cuddles!
How about you? What do you and your partner do to keep joy alive and nurture the love you have?
31 Monday Jul 2017
Posted in Discovery, relationships
Tags
Article, Defensiveness, Gottman, healing, healthy, help, hope, Listening, relationships
How would you feel if I told you something about yourself that you didn’t want to hear? Maybe it’s a complaint about something you said. Maybe I am angry or hurt about something you did. What would you do?
When this happens to me, I listen attentively and respond with appreciation for the feedback. If it’s appropriate, I try to own it, apologize and seek to make amends.
Ha ha, just kidding. I usually get a little, sometimes a lot, defensive. I try not to. I honestly strive for the ideal response. There’s just that part of me that says, “Shields up! Load torpedoes!”
The thing is, defensiveness is really damaging to relationships. Dr. John Gottman has noted that it’s one of the four relationship killers. If you want to have a healthy thriving relationship, how do you get out of the defensiveness trap?
I found a short article from his group on Listening Without Getting Defensive. I recommend you check it out. Here are a few snippets…
“While it’s important for the speaker to complain without blame and state a positive need to prevent the listener from flooding or responding defensively, it’s also vital for the listener to learn to self-soothe.”
“Dr. Gottman suggests using a notepad to write down everything your partner says, which is especially helpful when you’re feeling defensive. This also helps you remember what was said when you reflect back what you hear or it’s your turn to speak.”
“During tough conversations it’s helpful to focus on your affection and respect for your partner.”
“Remember to postpone your agenda and focus on understanding your partner.”
“Look inward and see what you are telling yourself about what this conflict means and how it may impact you.”
“Ask yourself, Why am I getting defensive? What am I trying to protect? Your partner’s complaint is about their needs, not yours, so soothe your defensiveness so you can be there for them.”
“If your partner is saying something that is triggering, ask them to say it in a different way.”
“Long-lasting love requires courage. The courage to be vulnerable and to listen non-defensively, even in the heat of conflict. Especially when we are hurt and angry.”
26 Friday May 2017
Posted in Discovery, health, Observations, recovery
If you’re trying to be healthy, it’s likely you have been told or have figured out your BMI or Body Mass Index. BMI is calculated by taking a person’s weight in kilograms (kg) divided by his or her height in meters squared. For those of you in the USA, I realize you’re probably thinking kilo-whats?? Sorry for going metric on you but that’s just way it is.
Anyway, BMI is used for all sorts of determinations – medical procedures, insurance, and so on. But here’s the thing…
It’s Barely Meaningful Information.
If you’ve been looking at your BMI and beating yourself up you need to know that it doesn’t tell you anything real about yourself. Should you consider a healthier more active lifestyle? Maybe. Maybe you’re okay as you are right now. The point is, don’t let your BMI mess with your head.
Check out this short video on the truth about BMI.
10 Friday Feb 2017
Posted in Observations
I’ve shared before that I’m a fan of Brené Brown and her work on shame, vulnerability and authenticity. So this statement from Shannon Thomas really resonated with me.
Check out Shannon Thomas’ book, “Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.”
04 Friday Nov 2016
Posted in Observations, recovery, Spirituality
Tags
Abuse, belonging, boundaries, healing, healthy, help, hope, relationships
Love and belonging are our two irreducible human needs. For someone to take advantage of that to satisfy their own needs – physical, emotional, status, or control – is abuse plain and simple. It is perfectly right and healthy to implement boundaries to protect yourself from abuse. Love yourself enough to pursue your recovery whatever that may be.
Any youth or young adults in the Edmonton, Alberta area that want to know more about tools for recovery and resources you can access to be healthy, please come to The Butterfly Effect, November 5, 3-6pm at the Coralwood School gym, 12218-135 St. NW, Edmonton, AB. It’s free. For info or if you just need to talk, comment and I’ll do whatever I can to help.
Check out Shannon Thomas’ book, “Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.”
22 Monday Aug 2016
Posted in Observations
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I’ve been receiving these little snippets on Facebook and they really challenge and empower me.
I discovered this author, Shannon Thomas, through a friend. Her book is available on Amazon – the Kindle version releases on August 30 and I’ve pre-ordered it. As I haven’t read it, I can’t give it a whole-hearted endorsement but from the little bits she’s shared, I’m super intrigued.
What about you? Are you caught between an old life and a new life?
