Tag Archives: Abuse

Disbelieving Victims

30 Monday Jul 2018

Posted by in Discovery, Observations, Rants, recovery, relationships, Spirituality

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This article is must reading. Then it’s a must stop doing. In this article by Mike published on the blog mikeinsac.com, the author relates tragic stories of how churches tend to disbelieve victims of abuse by pastoral leaders. Please be careful of triggers in this post and in the article at the link.

“The teacher knew she was a mandated reporter, but decided to report it to the school instead of the police. She told one of the vice-principals. He was also a mandated reporter. But he decided to tell the elders of the church about the accusation. They told the Senior Pastor and the investigation was on…

They had not handled it correctly. They should have gone to the police.”

Why are churches slow to believe the survivors of abuse? Why do they often protect abusers?  The author suggests the following reasons. Please read the article for the full details.

  • Familiarity Bias – congregations assume they really know a leader.
  • Over reliance on Personal Experience – the vast majority of people in a church have never known the pastor/principal/worship leader to abuse them.
  • A Theology of Leadership Protection – members feel no compulsion to abstain from criticizing him privately, but as soon as someone brings the criticism into the public eye, everyone becomes his defender.
  • He Who Controls the Microphone, Controls the Direction of the Discussion – When the Senior Pastor is an abuser, he is also the one who controls the narrative…
    Retroactive Reality – church members fear their own spiritual formation is tainted as a result.
  • Doubling Down – It has been proven that once people have taken a position, whether voting for a candidate or choosing a particular story to believe, they are more likely to keep holding onto that story even when evidence suggests they are wrong.
  • Maximum vs. Minimum Harm Concept – most people will choose the path of least harm time and time again.
  • Misapplication of Grace and Sin-Leveling – It is easy to see our own faults and think that we would want people to overlook our mistakes. But abuse is not a mistake.

I encourage you to read the full article and apply what you learn in your faith community. There is a spirit of murder against the women and children of this world and it’s time we start fighting back.

Listen Carefully

He was the principal of the Christian school which met at the church. His dad was the Senior Pastor. He had four years of teacher training and all the obligatory certifications, internships, and education needed. He added a Masters Degree in Theology and another Masters in Educational Administration. He was fully qualified to do the job he was doing.

During the five years he had been principal, his dad’s church had grown from 200 members to almost 1500. In that medium-sized town, the church dwarfed all the others. The main draw for newcomers was the Christian school.

And that’s when the accusations started.

One 8th grade girl told her teacher she wasn’t going to detention any longer. (Note: The school practiced corporal punishment and a very difficult regimen of consequences for even the smallest infractions. Detention often meant at least an hour of menial labor, supervised by a teacher or…

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Warning Signs

23 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by in Observations, recovery

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Trigger warning – this post is about child abuse. Please check out my other posts if this in any way will be triggering for you.

Recently, I completed a course on ensuring churches and schools are more safe for children. part of the course reviewed the warning signs of possible sexual abuse in a child’s behaviours.  What follows is the tip sheet from that course shared under the Creative Commons license.

Note that any one sign doesn’t mean that a child was sexually abused, but the presence of several suggests that you begin asking questions and consider seeking help. Keep in mind that some of these signs can emerge at other times of stress such as:
• During a divorce
• Death of a family member or pet
• Problems at school or with friends
• Other anxiety-inducing or traumatic events

Warning Signs in a Child or Adolescent

• Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
• Seems distracted or distant at odd times
• Has a sudden change in eating habits – refusal to eat, loss or increased appetite, trouble swallowing.
• Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
• Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
• Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images
• Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or places
• Refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child
• Talks about a new older friend
• Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without reason
• Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad
• Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge

Signs more typical of younger children

• An older child behaving like a younger child (such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking)
• Has new words for private body parts
• Resists removing clothes when appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering)
• Asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games
• Mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animal
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training

Signs more typical in adolescents

• Self-injury (cutting, burning)
• Inadequate personal hygiene
• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Sexual promiscuity
• Running away from home
• Depression, anxiety
• Suicide attempts
• Fear of intimacy or closeness
• Compulsive eating or dieting

Physical warning signs

Physical signs of sexual abuse are rare.  If you see these signs, bring your child to a doctor.   Your doctor can help you understand what may be happening and test for sexually transmitted diseases.
• Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
• Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Contact child protective services

Manipulation Junction

04 Monday Dec 2017

Posted by in Observations, recovery, relationships

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“Conjunction junction, what’s my function?” Anybody remember that catchy Schoolhouse Rock Song?

That’s not what this post is about but wouldn’t it be cool if someone made a catchy song about the manipulation junk that toxic people pull on those around them so their tactics would be easy to remember?

Recently, I found an article about some key manipulation tactics that are good to be aware of. I encourage you to check out the whole article but here are the highlights.

Monitoring –  when the toxic person wants to be in constant contact. It’s kind of low level stalking. Watch out, when you are slow to respond, if you get an angry reaction.

Object constancy – on the positive side, this is the ability to still love the person you are annoyed with. A toxic person tends to lack this so when they rage, they lose their affection. Think Jekyll and Hyde. Watch out if you find yourself modifying your words and behaviours to avoid the rages.

Flipping the script – this is when a toxic person tries to continuously wind you up. In the process they may accuse you of the things they themselves do. The point is to confuse and make their victim emotional.

Gaslighting – “Manipulators lie, make things up that never happened, but say things in such a convincing way and with such conviction, that their victims end up believing it is the truth.”

Perspecticide – think gaslighting+. “When the manipulative person has made someone believe so many things that aren’t true, they no longer know what is real.” Watch out if you are compromising your boundaries, your values, faith or family to appease the toxic person.

Trauma bonding – this is conditioning. The toxic person, who is often hostile or even violent, then basks their victim in love and affection. These highs and lows ” can create an addiction in the victim. Watch out for only nice behaviour when you’ve been “good” contrasted with the hurtful words and actions when you’ve been “bad.” (Good and bad being arbitrarily assigned by the toxic person.)

It Happened

30 Monday Oct 2017

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Believe it or not, I used to be a competitive swimmer. I did it for about 2 years. I got my picture in the paper which was cool. I swam a 2 hour, 200 length (5000m), swim-a-thon for some charity and then discovered that people who sponsor kids for events don’t like to pay said kids post event. But I peaked around 10 years of age and moved on to other things, like sleeping in because I didn’t have to go to the pool at 6am.  It’s about priorities.

Anyway, one day after swim club, I was in the changing room and a man with a disability approached me. He was difficult to understand but he seemed friendly. He stuck out his hand for what I thought was a handshake. I went to shake his hand and he proceeded to grab my hand and then he started to undo his pants. I was frozen – shocked by what was happening – and then he put my hand on his crotch.

The incident ended in moments. I pulled my hand away, grabbed my stuff and headed for the door. My mom was waiting for me. I told her what happened.  She told the staff who promptly took action. I’m grateful for my mom who I could talk to. I’m grateful that I didn’t have to keep it secret due to fear of that man or even fear or shame from my parents.

Even so, I don’t talk about it. This is the first time I’ve written about it. When I remember it, I still feel that sense of being trapped and powerless, I still feel my own shame. I decided to take this journey into my past and to share it here because it has become crystal clear to me that when we are hurt like this (and I recognize my experience was really minor compared to most), silence and shame are just as harmful as the initial abuse. They feed it, let the past hold us captive, prevent us from healing.

I would never say one who has been hurt must speak about it. Each person should be in charge of their own healing journey. I would say, don’t let silence hurt you more than already have been. 

I also want you to know I’m listening and I believe you. 

ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a

14 Monday Aug 2017

Posted by in Observations, recovery

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Checking the dictionary it says this about agoraphobia:

“An abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.”

This isn’t a definitive article on this condition. I honestly don’t know lots about it. I can say that it’s often misunderstood due to TV and movies that suggest it’s just a fear of being outside or around people. Basically, a person can experience this at any place or area, even one’s own home.

Check this out:

This is 87 Avenue, just east of 170 Street in Edmonton, Alberta. Up until a few weeks ago, we lived in this area. Due to a journey we took with a wonderful young person, I had a full on encounter with a psychologically abusive person who came after me. It wasn’t the fault of the person we welcomed into our life but it was related to that time. The person that came after me, lives in the area off to the right.

After we moved, we came back a few days later to do one last check for mail (just in case anything got missed by the post office forward). As we crossed over 170 Street, my heart was gripped with anxiety.  My heart rate shot up and I just had this sense of fear. This wasn’t the first time I had this experience in this area, it’s happened most every day when passing this area and don’t get me started on what it’s like to walk here rather than drive) but it was the first time it hit me – I had developed a mild agoraphobia. My hope is, over time and not being in the area for a long time, I will have healing and be free from that person’s impact on me.

That’s a Fact, Jack!

14 Wednesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Discovery, Observations, recovery

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Sadly, this is a very real experience and one that hits home to me for two reasons. In the past, I saw this 18620634_10155317510328838_6406869147484519574_okind of thing and didn’t know what was happening. I regret not having the knowledge and the backbone to make a difference in those situations.

It also hits home, because one of these people got me in just the way Shannon Thomas describes. While I was taken aback by the shock of it all, the part that hurt, still hurts, is how people I counted as friends so easily turned to the negative. One co-worker called me shortly after the major attack, revealing that he had been “filled in on the story” just before the meeting and suggested I “just apologize” to the accuser. My flying monkey alarm bells went off big time. I now keep safe distance from that co-worker. The worst part is, he is a key leader in the church and I am concerned that his willingness to be a flying monkey will harm  those to whom he ministers.

I encourage you to check out Shannon Thomas’ book, “Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.” Her book is available as paperback, Kindle, and audiobook.

Remember that not everyone who is a jerk is a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath. If we’re honest, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of. However, if you have a person in your life who demonstrates repeated narcistic-like behaviours without genuine remorse (on my blog do a search for “Diversion Tactics), then you need to be very careful, establish boundaries, and perhaps seek professional assistance.

Hurling

19 Wednesday Apr 2017

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When I experience my full on toxic person encounter, there were a barrage of accusations. While some were absurd – outrageous even – I confess some cut deep. It wasn’t so much as I thought they were true but they made me question who I am. It’s taken a while to process past that and reground myself. If this has happened to you, I hope you have found yourself again and have experienced healing.

For more, check out Shannon Thomas’ book, “Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.”

Diversion Tactics – Shame

12 Wednesday Apr 2017

Posted by in Discovery, health, Observations, recovery

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Lately, I’ve been discovering common behaviours of Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths. Keep in mind that those are personality disorders and it’s not a good idea to go around labelling people just because they’re jerks. While I’ve been learning, I found an article by  Shahida Arabi at http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/. Shahida the author of the book She Who Destroys the Light: Fairy Tales Gone Wrong.

I want to highlight a few of the tactics Shadida Arabi includes in her article. Please read the whole article so you can get the full picture.

Toxic people tend to use diversion tactics to escape accountability for their actions and silence you, the target of their abuse. If this is happening to you, I hope you are able to get help and establish healthy boundaries so you may experience hope and healing.

Shame

Shame all on it’s own is destructive. It attacks the very part of us that’s capable of change. While guilt can be helpful, leading us to be responsible for our actions, shame tears down who we are as a person. Now take shame and out it in the hands of a toxic person and it is used  to whittle away at a victim’s self-esteem; diminishing their sense of self and stifle any pride they may have.

Worst case scenario, a toxic person will shame you for abuse or injustice you’ve suffered in the past. Perhaps they will claim that you must have done something to deserve – you were reaping what you’ve sown. They might hold up their wonderful life to make you feel deficient and unworthy. “As surgeons of madness, they seek to exacerbate wounds, not help heal them.”

“If you suspect you’re dealing with a toxic person, avoid revealing any of your vulnerabilities or past traumas. Until they’ve proven their character to you, there is no point disclosing information that could be potentially used against you.”