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~ Rejecting the gods of our culture since 1998.

cultural atheist

Category Archives: Shared Post

How to Avoid the Validation Trap

23 Monday Jan 2017

Posted by braddahr in Observations, Shared Post

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This is a good read. Validation seeking is similar to fitting in – very detrimental to being vulnerable enough to be creative and true to yourself.

MakeItUltra™ Founder: Eric C., MA., PhD Candidate (USA) Website: MotivateInspireUplift.com “You need to love yourself and be yourself one hundred percent before you can actually love someone …

Source: How to Avoid the Validation Trap

Master of Shame

01 Thursday Dec 2016

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, Observations, recovery, Shared Post

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Tags

Abuse, healing, help, hope, recovery, shane

Ever since I discovered Brené Brown’s work a few years ago, I have been learning lots about shame.  There’s no good shame – shame erodes the very part of us that thinks growth is possible. It undermines our sense of love and belonging. It attacks the core of who we are. It is both a trigger and is triggered by rejection, loneliness, loss and trauma, and failure. It’s like a shark on a feeding frenzy – if you don’t address it quickly it will chew you up.

Lately, I’ve been learning about narcissists and how they abuse people around them. I found the following and I think it’s profound because it highlights both narcissistic abuse and the use of shame as an abuse tool. Unfortunately, I lost where I found it to give credit. When I find the source, I’ll update this post.

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NARCISSIST: MASTER OF TOXIC SHAMING
Something I rarely hear mentioned about narcissists is their very deliberate use of SHAMING. Narcissists make victims feel shame about WHO AND WHAT THEY ARE, so there is no way to make amends or remedy it.

The shame messages communicate: You are not good enough and can’t ever be good enough, because you are inherently defective. It doesn’t matter how much the victim give to the narcissist, she can’t EVER be good enough, so she feels trapped in a no win situation. Soon, the victim begins TO DISLIKE HERSELF, criticize herself, and she’s filled with self doubt, which destroys her self esteem.

(Shaming tactics include)… demeaning, belittling, withholding – including the silent treatment, stonewalling, withdrawing and leaving – manipulation, cheating, lying, AND BLAMING THE VICTIM. These behaviours trigger shame and makes the target fear abandonment. Sadly, long term shaming often wrongly teaches the victim that they deserve abandonment. This is why recovery from narcotic abuse is so hard and one of the reasons why the abused go back to the narcissist who abused them….somewhere, deep inside, they may falsely believe that they don’t deserve better or that a normal, happy relationship is even possible for them.

You only have the happiness you believe you deserve. Therapy, time, no contact with the narcissist, good support, and detached reflection on your relationship with the narcissist are the building blocks of recovery.

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Note that shame is diffused and disempowered through speaking it out and finding safe, empathic, support. If you are experiencing this kind of abuse, please seek out professional help – you deserve to be healthy and whole.

(The Shame Shark was designed by Miranda Davis.)

How to Survive Spiritual Abuse — Little Red Survivor

18 Friday Nov 2016

Posted by braddahr in Observations, Shared Post

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Another great post from Little Red Survivor.

In my early twenties, I was part of a Christian music ministry and for nine months we sang at a different church every night. We were told to respect the authority of our leaders because they were set in place by God. One day at training camp, I was slapped in the face for leaving a three hour meeting […]

via How to Survive Spiritual Abuse — Little Red Survivor

Does It Really Take 10,000 hours? — Jay Colby

16 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by braddahr in Observations, Shared Post

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Interesting perspective on how people become outliers.

The 10,000 hour rule is a theory that states that it takes 10,000 hours to master a skill. According to aficionados of this rule the common factor of the amount of time we practice in a particular skill within any area of study which is about 90 minutes per day for 20 years of practice. […]

via Does It Really Take 10,000 hours? — Jay Colby

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