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~ Rejecting the gods of our culture since 1998.

cultural atheist

Category Archives: relationships

Disbelieving Victims

30 Monday Jul 2018

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, Observations, Rants, recovery, relationships, Spirituality

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Abuse, Church, deception, suvivors

This article is must reading. Then it’s a must stop doing. In this article by Mike published on the blog mikeinsac.com, the author relates tragic stories of how churches tend to disbelieve victims of abuse by pastoral leaders. Please be careful of triggers in this post and in the article at the link.

“The teacher knew she was a mandated reporter, but decided to report it to the school instead of the police. She told one of the vice-principals. He was also a mandated reporter. But he decided to tell the elders of the church about the accusation. They told the Senior Pastor and the investigation was on…

They had not handled it correctly. They should have gone to the police.”

Why are churches slow to believe the survivors of abuse? Why do they often protect abusers?  The author suggests the following reasons. Please read the article for the full details.

  • Familiarity Bias – congregations assume they really know a leader.
  • Over reliance on Personal Experience – the vast majority of people in a church have never known the pastor/principal/worship leader to abuse them.
  • A Theology of Leadership Protection – members feel no compulsion to abstain from criticizing him privately, but as soon as someone brings the criticism into the public eye, everyone becomes his defender.
  • He Who Controls the Microphone, Controls the Direction of the Discussion – When the Senior Pastor is an abuser, he is also the one who controls the narrative…
    Retroactive Reality – church members fear their own spiritual formation is tainted as a result.
  • Doubling Down – It has been proven that once people have taken a position, whether voting for a candidate or choosing a particular story to believe, they are more likely to keep holding onto that story even when evidence suggests they are wrong.
  • Maximum vs. Minimum Harm Concept – most people will choose the path of least harm time and time again.
  • Misapplication of Grace and Sin-Leveling – It is easy to see our own faults and think that we would want people to overlook our mistakes. But abuse is not a mistake.

I encourage you to read the full article and apply what you learn in your faith community. There is a spirit of murder against the women and children of this world and it’s time we start fighting back.

Listen Carefully

He was the principal of the Christian school which met at the church. His dad was the Senior Pastor. He had four years of teacher training and all the obligatory certifications, internships, and education needed. He added a Masters Degree in Theology and another Masters in Educational Administration. He was fully qualified to do the job he was doing.

During the five years he had been principal, his dad’s church had grown from 200 members to almost 1500. In that medium-sized town, the church dwarfed all the others. The main draw for newcomers was the Christian school.

And that’s when the accusations started.

One 8th grade girl told her teacher she wasn’t going to detention any longer. (Note: The school practiced corporal punishment and a very difficult regimen of consequences for even the smallest infractions. Detention often meant at least an hour of menial labor, supervised by a teacher or…

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Holding Space

11 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, Inspiration, Observations, relationships

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compassion, healing, help, hope, Mindfulness, relationships

“Holding Space means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.” ~Heather Plett

What does holding space feel like? Here’s a great example.

 

I am striving to be better at holding space for people. A great article that explores this topic is, What it Really Means to Hold Space for Someone. The author explores how she discovered how holding space was valuable and how to cultivate it in our lives. Here are a few quotes:

“By offering gentle, nonjudgmental support and guidance, she helped us walk one of the most difficult journeys of our lives.”

 

“Sometimes we find ourselves holding space for people while they hold space for others.”

 

“To truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (ie. trying to fix their problems), shaming them (ie. implying that they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them (ie. giving them more information than they’re ready for).”

I encourage you to read the whole article and incorporate as many of the insights as you can.

Do you hold space for others? What does that look like? Who holds space for you?

Bounce Back

04 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, Observations, recovery, relationships

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childhood, healing, help, hope, recovery, resilience

Everyone has a story that will make you cry. Many have a story that will overwhelm you with grief. No one gets through this life without being wounded.

But why do some people handle these wounds better than others? Why do some people find it so difficult to get back up once they’ve been knocked down? How about you? How do you handle the junk that life throws at you? How can you become better at bouncing back?

Resiliency is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. Think of a rubber band being stretched but is still able to return back to its original shape. There are a number of factors that contribute to our coping skills but each of us can nurture our capacity to bounce back or be resilient.

teddy-teddy-bear-association-ill-42230.jpeg

The foundation of our resiliency was developed as we were growing up. Evidence from epigenetics suggests our capacity forms in the womb and even comes down to us from our parents’ capacity to bounce back!! What is your resiliency capacity? Check out this survey (found at https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/). Note that there’s no right or wrong per se – it’s just what has been.

RESILIENCE Questionnaire – Please circle the most accurate answer under each statement:

1.  I believe that my mother loved me when I was little.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

2.  I believe that my father loved me when I was little.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

3.  When I was little, other people helped my mother and father take care of me and they seemed to love me.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

4.   I’ve heard that when I was an infant someone in my family enjoyed playing with me, and I enjoyed it, too.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

5.  When I was a child, there were relatives in my family who made me feel better if I was sad or worried.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

6.   When I was a child, neighbors or my friends’ parents seemed to like me.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

7.  When I was a child, teachers, coaches, youth leaders or ministers were there to help me.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

8.  Someone in my family cared about how I was doing in school.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

9.  My family, neighbors, and friends talked often about making our lives better.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

10.  We had rules in our house and were expected to keep them.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

11. When I felt really bad, I could almost always find someone I trusted to talk to.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

12.  As a youth, people noticed that I was capable and could get things done.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

13.  I was independent and a go-getter.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

14.  I believed that life is what you make it.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

Now ask yourself these questions:

How many of these 14 protective factors did I have as a child and youth? (How many of the 14 were circled “Definitely True” or “Probably True”?)   _______

Of these circled, how many are still true for me? _______

This exercise may have made you realize two things. First, your capacity for resiliency was being built before you were even aware of what was going on. Second, depending on your answers, you may also note that you didn’t experience some important protective factors that would have developed your capacity to bounce back. What if you had an upbringing that had many adverse experiences that diminished your resiliency?

All is not lost! With knowledge and awareness, we can be intentional about building our resilience capacity. Here are some practices we find helps us be more resilient:

  • Have a healthy and active lifestyle. A healthy and active lifestyle includes nourishing your whole self. Enjoy health-giving food, recreation, and sleep. Care for your mental wellness through learning, mindfulness, and reframing distorted thinking. Feed your spirituality through inspirational readings and practices.
  • Develop good supports in your life. We don’t need dozens of friends but a few quality relationships with people who are empathetic, keep your confidence but are also honest with you; holding you accountable to commitments you make.
  • Increase other centered activity. Serving others has the effect of getting us out of our heads, gives us goals and provides healthy routine.
  • Develop healthy boundaries. Boundaries are ways we pursue what’s best for us and others, protects us from unhealthy situations and people, and keeps us responsible and effective. A good resource for boundaries is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud & John Townsend.

Each of us will respond differently to these practice. Some will be better at developing their resiliency than others. It’s important to find the ones that help you where you are currently at and then adapt as time goes on. Developing resilience is a life-long pursuit but it’s also a life-giving pursuit – you are worth it!

Written by Noreen M. & Brad D.
co-founders of COME2LIFE. ​​​​​​​Also published on COME2LIFE.net.

Eugoogaly

30 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by braddahr in Observations, relationships

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encouragement, eulogy, family, hope, Love, personal, relationships

I recently heard that we should ask ourselves if we are living to write a resume or to create a eulogy.

I’m not sure what the original person meant but what that statement said to me is, am I just trying to look good for others or am I living to serve others? I say that because I’ve noticed that the eulogies or parts of eulogies that seem to be most meaningful are where service to others is the focus.

A recent funeral I conducted was a simple graveside service. It was to be short and it was cold out which made it even shorter. Even so, I asked people to take a moment and share in just a few words what this dear mother, sister, aunt and friend meant to them; how did she touch their lives. What was shared in that moment was powerful, inspirational, hopeful. With all this in mind, I thought about my own passing and what would be my eulogy.

So here’s the deal. When my time comes, I want to be cremated so it’s just a memorial. For the service, I ask that the people who know me to read my texts to them, my tweets and posts or blogs that meant the most to them. They can be heartfelt, funny, challenging, even annoying (like all those times I was right and you didn’t want to admit it – you know who you are). Throw in a few songs and an announcement about lunch and that’s the service. But I have a caveat.

They can’t be read into the air where they will dissolve into the wind. They have to be read to another person so it’s for them too.

That would be a good eugoogaly.

How about you? What would your eulogy be like?

Harsh or Soft

02 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by braddahr in Observations, relationships

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Arguments, healthy, relationships

Healthy relationships are so important; love and belonging are critical for resilience and recovery. The folks at the Gottman Institute are amazing at helping people be their best relationships. Check out this summary of harsh vs. soft arguments.

Harsh vs Soft Argument

4 Horsemen Antidotes

12 Monday Mar 2018

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, Observations, relationships

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healing, Love, relationships

This is a great summary. Are you willing to share which of the 4 horsemen you default to?

Trickle Down

05 Monday Mar 2018

Posted by braddahr in Observations, recovery, relationships

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boundaries, healing, recovery

Does this sound familiar? Want to learn what to do about it?

Dare to Compare

26 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by braddahr in Observations, relationships, Spirituality

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Comparison, compassion, Greed, Money, Morality

I stumbled upon this the other day…

Stanford researcher Leon Festinger developed a line of research in social comparison theory. He noted that in different situations we will tend to compare ourselves with people either above or below us, depending on which ladder we’re talking about.

For instance, on morality, we tend to compare ourselves with people we think are below us: mass murderers, drug dealers. On the topic of money, we compare ourselves to people above us, those who have more than we do.

Research shows that a tendency for upward financial comparisons generates increasing amounts of greed and decreasing amounts of compassion.

That reminds me of Richard Cory…

Irredeemable

14 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by braddahr in Inspiration, Observations, relationships

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Tags

Love, valentines, vulnerable

In honour of Valentines Day, I want to share a CS Lewis quote. I find this insight to be a good reminder of why love is worth risking.

I hope you are able to extend and receive love this week.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything & your heart will certainly be wrung & possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one…but in that casket it will change. It will become unbreakable, irredeemable.”

A Modest Proposal

29 Monday Jan 2018

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, Observations, relationships

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Bible, christianity, fatih, Lust, modesty, Rape Culture

A friend pointed me towards an article concerning modesty. It shifted my thinking and I want to recommend it as a must read, particularly for Christians.

Here are some highlights but please click the link and read the whole thing:

“No one really knows what “immodest” means. It puts the responsibility for a man’s lust and fantasies squarely on the shoulders of women.” 

“Many conferences and books have even gone so far as to name women the “gatekeepers” of sexuality. He will go as far as you let him, the narrative goes. Wow! This a staggeringly unhealthy narrative to promote to our children about the way sexuality works, and plays directly into the hands of a rape culture such as the one in which we live: if you are a female and ever get catcalled, abused, molested, raped, or any number of other sexual advances, you are probably at least partially to blame. What were you wearing? What did you say to him? Did you bend over to pick something up? Was your perfume too sensual?”

Putting modesty/immodesty on women and saying they are gatekeepers of men’s behaviour “…grants men and boys amnesty from the responsibility of their own sexual choices.

“Not only does Jesus say nothing about female culpability in a man’s fantasies, he absolutely destroys any excuses a man might make about his inability to control his own urges. No, Jesus says, a man’s culpability begins and ends with his own dang eyes and right hand.”

Wow. Check it out and let me know what you think.

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