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~ Rejecting the gods of our culture since 1998.

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Category Archives: recovery

Disbelieving Victims

30 Monday Jul 2018

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, Observations, Rants, recovery, relationships, Spirituality

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Abuse, Church, deception, suvivors

This article is must reading. Then it’s a must stop doing. In this article by Mike published on the blog mikeinsac.com, the author relates tragic stories of how churches tend to disbelieve victims of abuse by pastoral leaders. Please be careful of triggers in this post and in the article at the link.

“The teacher knew she was a mandated reporter, but decided to report it to the school instead of the police. She told one of the vice-principals. He was also a mandated reporter. But he decided to tell the elders of the church about the accusation. They told the Senior Pastor and the investigation was on…

They had not handled it correctly. They should have gone to the police.”

Why are churches slow to believe the survivors of abuse? Why do they often protect abusers?  The author suggests the following reasons. Please read the article for the full details.

  • Familiarity Bias – congregations assume they really know a leader.
  • Over reliance on Personal Experience – the vast majority of people in a church have never known the pastor/principal/worship leader to abuse them.
  • A Theology of Leadership Protection – members feel no compulsion to abstain from criticizing him privately, but as soon as someone brings the criticism into the public eye, everyone becomes his defender.
  • He Who Controls the Microphone, Controls the Direction of the Discussion – When the Senior Pastor is an abuser, he is also the one who controls the narrative…
    Retroactive Reality – church members fear their own spiritual formation is tainted as a result.
  • Doubling Down – It has been proven that once people have taken a position, whether voting for a candidate or choosing a particular story to believe, they are more likely to keep holding onto that story even when evidence suggests they are wrong.
  • Maximum vs. Minimum Harm Concept – most people will choose the path of least harm time and time again.
  • Misapplication of Grace and Sin-Leveling – It is easy to see our own faults and think that we would want people to overlook our mistakes. But abuse is not a mistake.

I encourage you to read the full article and apply what you learn in your faith community. There is a spirit of murder against the women and children of this world and it’s time we start fighting back.

Listen Carefully

He was the principal of the Christian school which met at the church. His dad was the Senior Pastor. He had four years of teacher training and all the obligatory certifications, internships, and education needed. He added a Masters Degree in Theology and another Masters in Educational Administration. He was fully qualified to do the job he was doing.

During the five years he had been principal, his dad’s church had grown from 200 members to almost 1500. In that medium-sized town, the church dwarfed all the others. The main draw for newcomers was the Christian school.

And that’s when the accusations started.

One 8th grade girl told her teacher she wasn’t going to detention any longer. (Note: The school practiced corporal punishment and a very difficult regimen of consequences for even the smallest infractions. Detention often meant at least an hour of menial labor, supervised by a teacher or…

View original post 2,336 more words

Chew On This

09 Monday Jul 2018

Posted by braddahr in health, Observations, recovery

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

anxiety, Brooding, emotional health, healing, help, hope, recovery, Rumination, trauma

A while back, I was in a board meeting as I had been many times before. It was fairly routine. When the second last item came up, the person presenting – not a fan of me and quietly hostile for the last several months – took the opportunity to tear me apart in front of everyone. Needless to say the entire tone of the meeting changed. During his rant, I was accused of fraud, being inappropriate with a person I care about, even racist. Those that knew me and/or knew the situation stayed mostly silent or spoke in a way that gave my accuser more fuel for his fire. Talk about being slain the house of my friends!

I spoke quietly to the two main accusations – fraud and being inappropriate which were both completely false (afterwards I was provided written statements by those involved that denied the accusations).  I clarified a few other details. I tried to be as gracious as possible. I even apologized for things I felt I could have done better. At that point the person started screaming, “He’s a liar, he’s a liar.”

That one left a pretty big wound. Even writing this is difficult and brings me distress. I can’t drive past that person’s neighbourhood without having a mild anxiety episode.

One of the dangers of having a distressing experience like that is that as the days go by, we can fall into ruminating. I did and I have to catch myself before it gets bad.

Do you know why ruminating is a problem? According to Dr. Guy Winch, in his book Emotional First Aid and in an article specifically on this topic, “Rumination is when we bring up emotional distress and “chew on it” repeatedly… When we don’t have resolution, ruminating goes wrong when we play the same distressing scenes in our head over and over.”  Here are some key points Dr. Winch notes about rumination.

Rumination is maladaptive – it doesn’t help us find resolution and amplifies our distress.

Rumination is addictive – the more we ruminate, the more compelled we feel to continue doing so.

Rumination increases risk of becoming depressed and it can prolong the duration of depressive episodes.

Rumination can increase substance and food abuse as we try to manage or numb out the distressing emotions we feel.

Rumination focuses on the negative which tends to spread to seeing other aspects of our lives too negatively.

Rumination impairs problem solving.

Rumination increases our stress responses and that increases our risk of cardiovascular disease.

To break the the rumination habit, Dr. Winch recommends going cold turkey – making a decision to avoid it and striving to stick with it. What can help through this process is distraction. When you feel rumination coming on, try a movie, exercise, puzzles, Angry Birds (is that still a thing?), really anything that requires concentration. This tends to break the pattern and bring us back to a calmer state. This will take practice so don’t give up. Your rumination patterns will fade with time.

Do you struggle with rumination? What are you doing to reduce it?

 

Clear

02 Monday Jul 2018

Posted by braddahr in health, recovery

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Tags

depression, detox, drugs, health, recovery

Is it fair to say we idolize caffeine? We put in all sorts of beverages, foods, lotions and potions. It’s the most widely used legal stimulant on the planet. There are some good reasons why you may want to consider clearing this drug out of your system. One is that the impact it has on our brains can actually aggravate depression. Another is that you may simply want to get off the up and down rollercoaster caffeine use creates.

Regardless of the reason, let’s say you want to get free of caffeine, how can you do it? Here’s what I’ve found helpful which might get you through the process.

  1. In the morning, consume your usual dose of caffeine. Then that’s it.
  2. Be prepared for a wicked headache during the late evening/night. I use Naproxen or Ibuprofen to get through it. Drink lots of water.
  3. The headache might persist through the next day but it will pass.
  4. Hang on through the brain fog and lethargy that will last a few days until your brain and body adjust to not being on a drug. Exercise and naps help.

About 4 days after that last dose, the drug will be cleared out of your system. From there it’s the habit you have to change. Finding healthy replacements and distractions – new habits – will help you maintain your new lifestyle.

Bounce Back

04 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, Observations, recovery, relationships

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childhood, healing, help, hope, recovery, resilience

Everyone has a story that will make you cry. Many have a story that will overwhelm you with grief. No one gets through this life without being wounded.

But why do some people handle these wounds better than others? Why do some people find it so difficult to get back up once they’ve been knocked down? How about you? How do you handle the junk that life throws at you? How can you become better at bouncing back?

Resiliency is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. Think of a rubber band being stretched but is still able to return back to its original shape. There are a number of factors that contribute to our coping skills but each of us can nurture our capacity to bounce back or be resilient.

teddy-teddy-bear-association-ill-42230.jpeg

The foundation of our resiliency was developed as we were growing up. Evidence from epigenetics suggests our capacity forms in the womb and even comes down to us from our parents’ capacity to bounce back!! What is your resiliency capacity? Check out this survey (found at https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/). Note that there’s no right or wrong per se – it’s just what has been.

RESILIENCE Questionnaire – Please circle the most accurate answer under each statement:

1.  I believe that my mother loved me when I was little.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

2.  I believe that my father loved me when I was little.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

3.  When I was little, other people helped my mother and father take care of me and they seemed to love me.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

4.   I’ve heard that when I was an infant someone in my family enjoyed playing with me, and I enjoyed it, too.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

5.  When I was a child, there were relatives in my family who made me feel better if I was sad or worried.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

6.   When I was a child, neighbors or my friends’ parents seemed to like me.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

7.  When I was a child, teachers, coaches, youth leaders or ministers were there to help me.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

8.  Someone in my family cared about how I was doing in school.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

9.  My family, neighbors, and friends talked often about making our lives better.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

10.  We had rules in our house and were expected to keep them.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

11. When I felt really bad, I could almost always find someone I trusted to talk to.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

12.  As a youth, people noticed that I was capable and could get things done.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

13.  I was independent and a go-getter.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

14.  I believed that life is what you make it.

Definitely true         Probably true Not sure         Probably Not True Definitely Not True

Now ask yourself these questions:

How many of these 14 protective factors did I have as a child and youth? (How many of the 14 were circled “Definitely True” or “Probably True”?)   _______

Of these circled, how many are still true for me? _______

This exercise may have made you realize two things. First, your capacity for resiliency was being built before you were even aware of what was going on. Second, depending on your answers, you may also note that you didn’t experience some important protective factors that would have developed your capacity to bounce back. What if you had an upbringing that had many adverse experiences that diminished your resiliency?

All is not lost! With knowledge and awareness, we can be intentional about building our resilience capacity. Here are some practices we find helps us be more resilient:

  • Have a healthy and active lifestyle. A healthy and active lifestyle includes nourishing your whole self. Enjoy health-giving food, recreation, and sleep. Care for your mental wellness through learning, mindfulness, and reframing distorted thinking. Feed your spirituality through inspirational readings and practices.
  • Develop good supports in your life. We don’t need dozens of friends but a few quality relationships with people who are empathetic, keep your confidence but are also honest with you; holding you accountable to commitments you make.
  • Increase other centered activity. Serving others has the effect of getting us out of our heads, gives us goals and provides healthy routine.
  • Develop healthy boundaries. Boundaries are ways we pursue what’s best for us and others, protects us from unhealthy situations and people, and keeps us responsible and effective. A good resource for boundaries is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud & John Townsend.

Each of us will respond differently to these practice. Some will be better at developing their resiliency than others. It’s important to find the ones that help you where you are currently at and then adapt as time goes on. Developing resilience is a life-long pursuit but it’s also a life-giving pursuit – you are worth it!

Written by Noreen M. & Brad D.
co-founders of COME2LIFE. ​​​​​​​Also published on COME2LIFE.net.

12 Depression Signs

14 Monday May 2018

Posted by braddahr in health, Observations, recovery

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Tags

depression, fatigue, recovery, Symptoms

I recently found an article called, 12 Common Symptoms Of Depression That Shouldn’t Be Ignored. Click the link and read the whole article but here are the bullet points.

You’re always tired
Everyone and everything annoys you.
You sleep too little or too much.
Eating’s an issue.
You’re in pain everywhere – pain can make you depressed, and depression can make you feel pain.
You don’t care that you look messy.
You’re hiding.
Nothing interests you.
You’re beating yourself up.
You’re forgetful or have trouble concentrating.
You feel numb.
You think about dying.

If you or someone you know is showing more than one of these signs for an extended period of time, please enlist the aid of professional help.

Warning Signs

23 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by braddahr in Observations, recovery

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Tags

Abuse, behaviours

Trigger warning – this post is about child abuse. Please check out my other posts if this in any way will be triggering for you.

Recently, I completed a course on ensuring churches and schools are more safe for children. part of the course reviewed the warning signs of possible sexual abuse in a child’s behaviours.  What follows is the tip sheet from that course shared under the Creative Commons license.

Note that any one sign doesn’t mean that a child was sexually abused, but the presence of several suggests that you begin asking questions and consider seeking help. Keep in mind that some of these signs can emerge at other times of stress such as:
• During a divorce
• Death of a family member or pet
• Problems at school or with friends
• Other anxiety-inducing or traumatic events

Warning Signs in a Child or Adolescent

• Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
• Seems distracted or distant at odd times
• Has a sudden change in eating habits – refusal to eat, loss or increased appetite, trouble swallowing.
• Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
• Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
• Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images
• Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or places
• Refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child
• Talks about a new older friend
• Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without reason
• Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad
• Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge

Signs more typical of younger children

• An older child behaving like a younger child (such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking)
• Has new words for private body parts
• Resists removing clothes when appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering)
• Asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games
• Mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animal
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training

Signs more typical in adolescents

• Self-injury (cutting, burning)
• Inadequate personal hygiene
• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Sexual promiscuity
• Running away from home
• Depression, anxiety
• Suicide attempts
• Fear of intimacy or closeness
• Compulsive eating or dieting

Physical warning signs

Physical signs of sexual abuse are rare.  If you see these signs, bring your child to a doctor.   Your doctor can help you understand what may be happening and test for sexually transmitted diseases.
• Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
• Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Contact child protective services

Trickle Down

05 Monday Mar 2018

Posted by braddahr in Observations, recovery, relationships

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Tags

boundaries, healing, recovery

Does this sound familiar? Want to learn what to do about it?

The Sinister Mind

12 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by braddahr in Beginnings, Inspiration, recovery

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Tags

COME2LIFE, emotional health, Freedom, life, mental health, Peace, recovery, Shame

One of the hats I wear is co-founder and coordinator for COME2LIFE. COME2LIFE engages youth in emotional health conversations, inviting them to experience help, hope & healing. Our signature workshop is called, The Butterfly Effect, a two hour, interactive, presentation that gets us talking about what causes our emotional health to be in chaos.

Recently, we had the honour of presenting The Butterfly Effect to 120+ grade 7, 8, and 9 students. We’ve got a lot of positive response from the youth but a few days later, one of them sent us this poem. She said we could share it.

The Sinister Mind
By Taylor P.

When I am alone, my thoughts tear me apart
Ripping at my heart it does
I am sick of feeling this way, my words are completely numb
“Please make it stop.¨ I say, tears flow as my thoughts scream louder and louder
The pain is deafening, fear and dread rip through my veins
Shame and guilt are words that rip and tear at my slipping sanity like wild dogs
Shove happy pills down my throat, I don’t care
I want my needless hurt to stop
I don’t want to sink further under, stones tied to my ankles
I don’t want to feel miles of shame for things I’ve never done
I want to be happy, calm, at peace
I don’t want to feel comfort by taking sharp metal to my scarred skin
My eyes burn red, my mouth feels dry
I want to sleep, I don’t want to eat
I want to be okay

As I make my way through the dark
I see a light, a placid light
The light caresses my face and brushes through my hair
It’s feather soft to the touch
It engulfs my body, covering every crevasse and every space
It wraps around the miles of skin that I possess
It’s warm and sweet and suddenly I am okay
Suddenly the light has returned in my eyes
For the first time in a long time, I am at peace
No more shame, no more guilt
The burden of being miserable is gone
The ache of being me is gone
The mirror is no longer an enemy
The demons that lurk in my mind remain nothing but ashes
The monsters that hide in my world are now the fuel that makes me stronger
As the wounds turn to scars, this battle was won
I made it through the grenades of doubt and the bullets of hate
I am free at last.

 

 

 

 

It Lingers

02 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, health, Observations, recovery, relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Criticism, healing, help, hope, recovery, relationships, Resources, trauma

Lately, I have been on a journey to learn as much as I can about trauma. I recently went through a series on trauma presented by the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. It was mind-blowing – and often beyond my brain power – but fantastic nonetheless.

Another topic that interests me is nurturing healthy relationships. Love and belonging are critical to our wholeheartedness – our capacity to deal with the junk that smashes into us on a regular basis.

Anyway, here’s how those two come together. Those who had childhood trauma typicallygiphy-2 struggle more than others in their romantic relationships. That’s not big news as most of us are aware how our past affects our present. But the key question is why – why does trauma create these difficulties?

Self-criticism. 

Apparently, childhood trauma produces a great deal of self-criticism and it’s the self-criticism that hurts the relationship. To be clear, the studies that have noted this weren’t saying it’s a definitive cause and effect. I’m sure there is more to this story and many subtle differences between people. It’s just a link we need to be aware of.

The good news is, there is help, hope and healing. We can reduce self-criticism and improve our relationships. Talk with a counsellor, check out online resources, pick up a book or two (Dr. Guy Winch’s book “Emotional First Aid” covers this topic fairly well I think.) Explore the options and find what works for you.

Are you overly self-critical? If so, can you see how it’s negatively impacting your relationships? What do you do to reduce self-criticism?

 

Mates Matter

18 Monday Dec 2017

Posted by braddahr in recovery, relationships

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

encouragement, friendship, healing, help, hope, recovery, relationships

I recently discovered the folks over at Time to Change. They have some excellent videos and resources on mental health. Here’s a few highlights from one of their articles, 5 Simple Ways to Support a Mate with a Mental Health Problem. 

 

Meet for Coffee – “The amazing thing about meeting for a coffee or asking someone if they’d like to drop in for a cup of tea is that you can do it almost anywhere, anytime.” Just being present with a friend who is struggling provides comfort, empathy, and courage to face the world. Remember that it’s important to listen without judgment.

 

Asking how they are – slowing down long enough to ask how’s it going and then patiently listening opens the door for your mate to open up to you.

 

Find safe places to talk – “Walking together or sitting driving are both amazing, because the experience of talking to someone whilst you’re side by side can be so much more freeing and less daunting than face to face.”

Post power – If you can’t connect in person, send a letter or a little parcel if you can. It’s retro which is why it’s also meaningful.

Little gestures – you don’t have to be extravagant (I am and it’s a blessing and a curse) but little things can communicate your care and support for your mate.

 

Check out the whole article for the full story but it all comes down to being mindful of your mates, slowing down to really listen, and just bring present in their life.

How do you support your mates?

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