Category Archives: questions

What Did You Say?

24 Sunday Dec 2017

Posted by in Discovery, health, questions, relationships

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I like to talk about relationships. I’ve done pre-marriage counselling, I’ve done a multi-part workshop on developing a marvellous marriage, and sadly, I’ve sat with a friend having a breakdown because her husband cheated on her. As such, I keep my eyes open for perspectives on helping relationships be stronger.

“The Conversations We Should Really Be Having With Our Partners If We Want Our Relationships To Last” is an article I believe can be really helpful if you want to have a deeper, stronger, relationship with your partner. Here are some highlights, I recommend you check out the whole article.

Conversations you and your partner need to have (consider the following to be quotes from the article):

I want you to tell me what to do because I can’t read your mind – If I truly love my partner, I want to pay attention to their needs. In order for me to do that, I need to know what those needs are. There is a faulty belief that occurs, and we’re all guilty of it: No one can read your mind. If you need something, it’s on you to ask for it.

I want you to tell me how to love you because I take that responsibility seriously – a lot of us are existing in relationships where we feel unloved, neglected, or unimportant. We can make small changes that can create a huge, positive ripple effect.

I want you to tell me how you feel because it helps me understand who you are – What if we give the other person the space and time to open up, and know that we want them to because we want to know what they are feeling and why.

I want you to tell me how to talk to you because communication will make or break us – if you’re having trouble communicating, try focusing on listening rather than trying to get your point across. Ask more questions.

I want you to tell me what you want to do to me because I want to be the one you share your erotic self with – it’s scary to communicate what we want for fear of judgment, criticism, or rejection. Intimate desires, just like emotions, can be really difficult for people to express.

I want you to tell me how to touch you because I care about our intimate connection – when we show interest in meeting our partner’s intimate needs, it’s a way of communicating that they are important.

I want to know what makes you happy. I can’t do it for you, but I can support your journey – the only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. However, we can absolutely support our significant other in trying to achieve, accomplish, or realize anything they identify that might make them happy.

What do you think about these conversations? Could you have them with your partner?

Do You Realize

23 Monday Oct 2017

Posted by in Discovery, Observations, questions

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Do you realize that it is not your perfect behaviour – your having it all together, your responsibility, or good character that makes you loveable?

Also, do you understand that it’s not in spite of your mistakes and failures – like you have to be put up with – that you are loveable?

The truth is, you’re loveable because of your mistakes, your awkward moments, and your failures; when you’re struggling to be vulnerable and trying to be real.

The Worst Day of the Year

07 Sunday May 2017

Posted by in questions, Rants

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What is the worst day of the year?  There are several to choose from but I think there’s one that tops them all.

When we used to live in Yellowknife, one of the worst days was when winter would arrive in force. Blowing wind, snow, bone-chilling cold. Never get used to that. That day was made worse because it was the herald of six months of winter.

Christmas is pretty bad. I used to think Christmas was pretty good, when I was a child. In college, I couldn’t get to Vancouver to see my family for Christmas so I was alone, the consumerism of it really came home, and there was nothing to do.  Note that was before I became a Christian but I still don’t like it today because nothing’s changed. Plus Jesus’ wasn’t born on December 25 so it’s all kind of stupid. Actually, every holiday could be put together into “worst days of the year” award.

This next one is a tie. The first day of school/the first day of exams in school. To be fair, this worst day combo is balanced by the last day of school/last day of exams but still. One of the worst.

Step on the scale day. To be honest, this happens more than one day of the year. Maybe I need to write another blog about “The Worst Day of the Month.”

Any day that a bill is due. Do I need to explain? Running very close to this worst day is the day after payday when, the funds that were in your account a mere 24 hours previous, have almost completely disappeared due to aforementioned bills.

This one is kind of an oldie, before streaming and iTunes, but one of the worst days was when a favourite show was supposed to be on TV but it would get bumped because of a stupid hockey game in overtime or blah blah blah post hockey game commentary (let’s show that play another 100 times).

What could be the worst days ever is the day when anything close to your heart dies. On the other hand, I do believe in a God of life who is the resurrection. That means that as bad as a death is, one day this age of death will be over and I hope in seeing my loved ones again.

So what’s the worst day of the year?  You may not agree with me on this one, regardless, I feel confident saying I’m right…

The worst day of the year is my birthday. I think it started being my worst day of the year when I turned 16. Sixteen is a big year for a young man – it’s when we move past the idiot years of the early teens and a driver’s license can be obtained. We can start getting “real” part time jobs. High school is almost over. Lots to be happy about. When I turned 16, all I wanted was to have dinner at a fancy restaurant with my family. Due to one family member’s work life, we were delayed and the dinner never happened. It was pretty clear where I was as far as priorities go. Over the years, each time it comes around it’s just gotten worse. All the greetings from people you never hear from all year. People fussing about this or that which is uncomfortable and unwelcome. Having to fake smile and say thanks. The lack of any decent presents and so having to buy myself a present which sounds like a good deal until I remember that the reason I have that present is because I had to buy it for myself. As a bonus, there’s the ever nearing icy hand of the grave…

So my birthday has my top vote for worst day of the year. And this time around, it’s the worst of the worst! Maybe it’ll be like the expression goes, once you hit the bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up. Of course, we can always hit bottom and die there.

What’s your worst day of the year?

Diversion Tactics – Threats

31 Friday Mar 2017

Posted by in Discovery, Observations, questions, recovery

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Lately, I’ve been discovering common behaviours of Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths. Keep in mind that those are personality disorders and it’s not a good idea to go around labelling people just because they’re jerks. While I’ve been learning, I found an article by  Shahida Arabi at http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/. Shahida the author of the book She Who Destroys the Light: Fairy Tales Gone Wrong.

I want to highlight a few of the tactics Shadida Arabi includes in her article. Please read the whole article so you can get the full picture.

Toxic people tend to use diversion tactics to escape accountability for their actions and silence you, the target of their abuse. If this is happening to you, I hope you are able to get help and establish healthy boundaries so you may experience hope and healing.

Threats

Toxic people “are prone to making unreasonable demands on others – while punishing you for not living up to their impossible to reach expectations.” To divert you from their abusive behaviour, toxic people will use fear – ultimatums and “do this or I’ll do that.”

“Take threats seriously and show the narcissist you mean business; document threats and report them whenever possible and legally feasible.”

 

A Conversation

25 Saturday Mar 2017

Posted by in Discovery, Inspiration, Observations, questions, Spirituality

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I stumbled across this and it’s too good not to share. The reference is at the end. I did a little editing so it makes sense out of it’s original context but the meaning is intact.

Imagine that our Good, Good Father appears visibly among us this evening. How would we speak to him? Or to make it more personal, let us say that he is willing to meet us in our living room. As many of us as could, would go over there and gather around him, just as the crowds did around Jesus—Mary loved to sit there at his feet.

Now, as we walk into the room, we know that God is the all-powerful Creator of the whole vast universe. We know that the mighty angels, sinless as they are, stand overwhelmed with awe and wonder at the majesty and glory of our God. Yet, though that all be true, if we are afraid to go in, then God has failed to convince us of the truth about himself. And Jesus has failed to convince us, not just with his words, but with what he has demonstrated to be true when he was here, that God is infinitely powerful, but equally gracious, and there is no need to be afraid. How could we turn down what he has paid such a price to reveal?

God is seated there and we are gathered around him. What should we say? Should we be the first to speak? Once we have started speaking, would we talk all the time? Or would we let God speak for a while? Normally, when we pray we do all the talking, don’t we? And then we say Amen, and go about our business, or go to sleep. It would be like meeting in the room with our Heavenly Father, and talking to him incessantly for several minutes, and then saying, “Amen, thank you very much,” and then going home. It wouldn’t make sense, would it? It certainly wouldn’t be conversation as with a friend.

Supposing we should have the inestimable privilege of talking there freely with God the Father for a whole hour; would it be appropriate at the end for someone among us to arise and say, “This has been such a special occasion, don’t you think we ought to close this meeting with a word of prayer?” Or would it be correct to understand that talking, conversing, having conversation with our God as with a Friend for that whole hour actually is real prayer, and we have been praying the whole hour long?

Conversation means at least two people speaking. But how do we converse with God when we can’t see him just now, because of the present emergency? We all understand that emergency and why in mercy he does not reveal himself visibly to us at this moment. And so, the Bible is called the Word of God—God speaking to us. If we wish to hear God speak, except in most extraordinary occasions, God speaks to us through the Bible. We speak to him in prayer.

Truly, as someone has said, “We commune with God through the study of the Scriptures.” I certainly find prayer much more meaningful while reading the Bible. Have you ever had the experience of talking to God while reading certain parts of the Scriptures? Have you ever found yourself talking out loud, “That’s magnificent!”? Who are you talking to? But that’s real conversation. We read, we listen in that way. And then we talk back to God.

Graham Maxwell. Excerpt from the audio series, Conversations About God, #15, “Talking to God as a Friend” recorded May, 1984, Loma Linda, California.