23 Monday Oct 2017
Posted in Discovery, Observations, questions
Tags
Do you realize that it is not your perfect behaviour – your having it all together, your responsibility, or good character that makes you loveable?
Also, do you understand that it’s not in spite of your mistakes and failures – like you have to be put up with – that you are loveable?
The truth is, you’re loveable because of your mistakes, your awkward moments, and your failures; when you’re struggling to be vulnerable and trying to be real.
12 Thursday Oct 2017
Posted in Discovery, Observations
I recently shared a post called Blue is for Boys. This is the follow up to that post. I have been listening to the radio program called Under the Influence. It’s about marketing, advertising, sponsorship and how these things impact our world. A two part episode in their last season concerned gender marketing. I encourage you to check out their site and listen to the whole episode.
In my last post, I shared how the blue for boys and pink for girls is an arbitrarily chosen, marketing concept to sell more and more product. The argument is, this has also given ride to the so called Pink Tax.
The Pink Tax is the documented higher prices, really overcharging for products and services marketed to women that are essentially the same as “men’s” products. In the US, there are a few states that have outlawed Pink Tax but there are not consumer protections like that in Canada.
Here are some specifics quoted in the Under the Influence episode:
Why do women allow themselves to be manipulated this way? The argument is, people like and will spend more for products and services they perceive to be made just for them. The thing is, almost all of the time, it’s all just marketing smoke and mirrors.
Now here’s the insult to injury: Under the Influences notes women tend to purchase these products and services more often than men and they are doing so often with less money because of pay inequity!
When I see this, it’s like a whole system designed to be oppressive to women – but that would be crazy, right?
09 Monday Oct 2017
Posted in Discovery, Observations
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I’ve recently shared how I have been enjoying a radio program called Under the Influence. It’s about marketing, advertising, sponsorship and how these things impact our world. I binge listened to all their seasons over a long drive. So far, I have noticed no ill effects from doing so.
A two part episode in their last season was really fascinating. The topic was gender marketing. I encourage you to check out their site and listen to the whole episode. There was one part that really jumped out at me.
Did you know that the blue for boys and pink for girls is a manufactured concept to sell more product? The story goes, a hundred years ago kids clothes up to seven years old were white. With the development of department stores, boy and girl departments were introduced and not long after, colour was used to define gender. Arbitrarily, pink, a “strong colour” was for boys and blue, a “gentle colour” was for girls.
Yes, you read that right: Boys = Pink, Girls = Blue.
It’s suspected that the introduction of gendered colours was to make hand me downs between boy and girl siblings unattractive and thus promote the purchasing of more and more stuff.
Here’s the twist, decades later, the colours flipped to the now familiar blue is for boys and pink is for girls. Again a completely arbitrary decision.
But people are funny. We like things that we perceive are made for us. Manufacturers, stores, and marketing discovered that “the more stores individualized products, the more they sold.” Remember “It’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman”? Ka-ching!
Of course, if you own a manufacturing business, run a store or make money in marketing, this is good news for you because it generally helps you make more money. For the rest of us, we have to deal with the realization that we are being played.
So next time you’re taking away from/giving something to a child in your life be aware if your actions are based on these arbitrary colours or because they are marketed for boys or girls. It’s possible that you have been programmed to select the “right” item to profit those selling it to you. Even more importantly, you also might want to ask if those programmed choices are helping or limiting your children’s potential.
Check in next time for the follow up post: Pink is For Girls.
25 Monday Sep 2017
Posted in Discovery, Observations
Growing up, did you ever watch kids’ shows? Cartoons? Live action? Did you have any favourites? When I was a kid, my mom wouldn’t bring a TV into our home. I had to live vicariously through the stories the other kids would tell about the TV shows they watched. If I was lucky, I would be at a friend’s house and I would catch a bit of a show. It wasn’t until I was seven that a TV was in the house. Do you realize how much catching up I had to do??
TV was a different place back then. No really, I’m not just reminiscing through a foggy memory that glorifies the olden days. I just found out that when Ronald Reagan was the US president, he deregulated a lot of business and one of those was TV. Right after that, kids’ TV programming when from sponsored by toy companies to half an hour toy commercials (with commercials). Come on, sing along with me:
“Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol,
We’ll be there on the double
Whenever there’s a problem…”
For a guy that apparently stood for family values, kind of odd that Reagan sold out kids to corporations.
Anyhow, even though we had TV, in Canada without cable there weren’t lots of programming choices. One kids’ show I would watch, out of sheer lack of choice, was “The Friendly Giant.”
The Friendly Giant was a 15 minute program on the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC). Bob Homme, the friendly giant himself, created the show based on the premise that adults look like giants to children, and he wanted to show that “adults could be kind and warm and share a sense of wonderment.” Apparently, he could have been a millionaire if only he merchandized himself and his puppets. He felt doing so would be a betrayal of the children’s trust in him so he never sold out. Terry O’Reilly, Under the Influence.
Honestly, I thought “The Friendly Giant” was a bit corny by the time I watched it having already become a fan of “The Six Million Dollar Man.” How can a guy with some puppets and a recorder compete with bionic Steve Austin? And then came “Star Wars.” The show eventually ended in the early 1980’s but by then I was long past the target audience of the show and didn’t even know it was gone.
But here’s the thing. On May 2, 2000, I was living in the Vancouver, BC area and I was driving around to client meetings. While I sat in traffic at an intersection, a common Vancouver experience, the radio announced that Bob Homme, the friendly giant, had passed away. They did a short overview of his life, during which I grew in respect for the man, and then they played the ending to his show…
So there I sat in traffic, listening to the ending of that corny show, and I wept deeply for the loss.
31 Monday Jul 2017
Posted in Discovery, relationships
Tags
Article, Defensiveness, Gottman, healing, healthy, help, hope, Listening, relationships
How would you feel if I told you something about yourself that you didn’t want to hear? Maybe it’s a complaint about something you said. Maybe I am angry or hurt about something you did. What would you do?
When this happens to me, I listen attentively and respond with appreciation for the feedback. If it’s appropriate, I try to own it, apologize and seek to make amends.
Ha ha, just kidding. I usually get a little, sometimes a lot, defensive. I try not to. I honestly strive for the ideal response. There’s just that part of me that says, “Shields up! Load torpedoes!”
The thing is, defensiveness is really damaging to relationships. Dr. John Gottman has noted that it’s one of the four relationship killers. If you want to have a healthy thriving relationship, how do you get out of the defensiveness trap?
I found a short article from his group on Listening Without Getting Defensive. I recommend you check it out. Here are a few snippets…
“While it’s important for the speaker to complain without blame and state a positive need to prevent the listener from flooding or responding defensively, it’s also vital for the listener to learn to self-soothe.”
“Dr. Gottman suggests using a notepad to write down everything your partner says, which is especially helpful when you’re feeling defensive. This also helps you remember what was said when you reflect back what you hear or it’s your turn to speak.”
“During tough conversations it’s helpful to focus on your affection and respect for your partner.”
“Remember to postpone your agenda and focus on understanding your partner.”
“Look inward and see what you are telling yourself about what this conflict means and how it may impact you.”
“Ask yourself, Why am I getting defensive? What am I trying to protect? Your partner’s complaint is about their needs, not yours, so soothe your defensiveness so you can be there for them.”
“If your partner is saying something that is triggering, ask them to say it in a different way.”
“Long-lasting love requires courage. The courage to be vulnerable and to listen non-defensively, even in the heat of conflict. Especially when we are hurt and angry.”
24 Monday Jul 2017
Posted in Discovery, Spirituality
Have you ever really blown it? I mean you did or said something that so damaged a relationship that it still hasn’t recovered? Maybe you messed up so bad you’ve lost your connection in your family or community?
Yeah, me too.
If you are familiar with the apostles in the Good News, you might now about Peter. He was loud and brash; quick to speak and slow to listen. He seems to have been a leader in that he tends to get listed first among Jesus closest friends. Like the other disciples, he was given the ability to heal people and set people free from possession. He preached boldly and hundreds committed their lives to God. Eventually he would be imprisoned for his faith.
And yet, he blew it. Big time.
After Jesus had been captured and his trials had begun, Peter was being questioned about his relationship with Jesus. After denying he knows Jesus a couple times, he gets asked one more time and we’re told, “Then he began to call down curses, and he swore to them, “I don’t know the man!””
Can you picture it? Peter spewing out cuss words and swearing on God’s name (super serious back then) that he doesn’t know his best friend Jesus, who is the Christ, the Son of God. You just know that word of this spread like wildfire among the other apostles. Can you imagine how he felt? Do you remember how you felt when you did something so bad you felt disqualified from everything?
But here’s the thing.
After the cross, on resurrection morning, the women coming to finish embalming Jesus, discover he has risen and they encounter an angel and the story goes like this:
“Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’” Mark 16:6-7 New International Version (NIV)
At a time when the disciples thought the hope of Jesus had ended in disaster, when they were scattered and afraid, they discover Jesus isn’t dead, the mission is still on, they are called to press forward and stay hopeful.
But did you catch it? The Good News in just two words?
And Peter.
To the one who had blown it, ran scared, and denied his best friend with angry curses, is still welcome at the table, still invited to be a part of the movement, and will still be used to turn the world upside with Good News; the Good News that despite his failures he was still loved and accepted, still valued and worthy.
And so are you.
05 Wednesday Jul 2017
Posted in Discovery, Spirituality
Tags
Bible, commandments, Exodus, God, Jesus, Love, relationship, Testimony
Rules are hard to follow. Sure the ones we directly benefit from are easier to keep but generally we try to bend them here and there. I mean, have you seen what people do at stop signs? Have you noticed that the best motivation is love?
One of the most beautiful parts of the Bible is God’s testimony*, a revelation of his character, what most people call the ten commandments or in other words, rules. People struggle to keep these rules – even those that believe they’re valid. Others, thinking they are hard rules, ignore or undermine them. What we miss is that they’re not rules. This testimony is beautiful because it’s an invitation into a loving relationship. My friend José Sánchez recently shared God’s testimony this way:
Today, my personal love letter to Jesus based on Exodus 20 says:
Jesus, as I meditate on what you did at the cross for me, my heart overwhelms with joy
and love.
1. I can’t imagine living without you!
2. Nothing can replace you!
3. I’ll never take you for granted.
4. I’m looking forward to spending quality time with you.
5. I’ll treat my parents as you treat your Father.
6. I’ll love others as you love me.
7. I’ll love my spouse as you love your church.
8. I’ll be content with the blessings you provide for me.
9. I’ll be just to others as you are with me.
10. I’ll rejoice when I see how you’ve blessed my friends.
Thank you for your love, Jesus. I love you, too.
Isn’t that beautiful?
*Over and over the Bible refers to what we call the ten commandments as God’s testimony. Even the box they were held in was called the ark of the testimony.
19 Monday Jun 2017
Posted in Discovery, Observations
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What do you know about arsenic? The first time I ever heard of it was in a story about Napoleon. It was thought that he had been poisoned with arsenic.
Most recently, I had been learning about arsenic because we were living in Yellowknife in the Northwest Territories, Canada. There are two retired gold mines in the area, with the mining tunnels running under the city. In these tunnels, there is enough arsenic dust to kill everyone on earth. Apparently, the arsenic has been frozen underground and thus not escaping into the air, soil or water but with temperatures on the rise, the tunnels are thawing.
Tonight, I caught a program on the radio called Distant Future Warnings: The challenges of communicating with eternity. The introduction says, “Radioactive waste and toxic mining byproducts will remain deadly for thousands of years – maybe forever. Generations in the distant future will need to know about about the places this stuff is buried, and to stay away. Deep in the arsenic-contaminated underground at Giant Mine near Yellowknife, contributor Garth Mullins wonders how we can warn the distant future. Is it even possible to send messages that can outlast governments, languages, cultures, nations – maybe even humans?”
Give it a listen. Hopefully it works outside of Canada. Please let me know if it doesn’t and I’ll try to figure out an alternative.
16 Friday Jun 2017
Posted in Discovery, Spirituality
I’m a fan of Ty Gibson. He has an amazing way to talk about the things that really matter. Recently, I came across one of his short article’s and my mind was blown.
Here’s an excerpt. You may have to read it twice, I did.
“The dark mental enterprise is encapsulated in God’s penetrating diagnostic question to Job: “Would you condemn Me that you may be justified?” (Job 40:8).
Here God puts His finger on our most sensitive nerve. We blame God as a self-justification maneuver. The guilty conscience possesses an impulse to fabricate an image of God that resembles ourselves in order to evade the shame His perfect goodness would thrust upon us if we were to allow ourselves to be confronted by it in one quantum leap of consciousness. “If God is like me,” we subconsciously reason, “then I need not be any different than I am, and I need not feel guilty for the way I am.” My actions and attitudes are justified by attributing them to God.”
Check out the whole article at http://reknew.org/2017/06/psychology-theology-meet/.
14 Wednesday Jun 2017
Posted in Discovery, Observations, recovery
Tags
Abuse, deception, flying monkeys, healing, help, hope, narcissist, toxic, triangulate
Sadly, this is a very real experience and one that hits home to me for two reasons. In the past, I saw this 
kind of thing and didn’t know what was happening. I regret not having the knowledge and the backbone to make a difference in those situations.
It also hits home, because one of these people got me in just the way Shannon Thomas describes. While I was taken aback by the shock of it all, the part that hurt, still hurts, is how people I counted as friends so easily turned to the negative. One co-worker called me shortly after the major attack, revealing that he had been “filled in on the story” just before the meeting and suggested I “just apologize” to the accuser. My flying monkey alarm bells went off big time. I now keep safe distance from that co-worker. The worst part is, he is a key leader in the church and I am concerned that his willingness to be a flying monkey will harm those to whom he ministers.
I encourage you to check out Shannon Thomas’ book, “Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.” Her book is available as paperback, Kindle, and audiobook.
Remember that not everyone who is a jerk is a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath. If we’re honest, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of. However, if you have a person in your life who demonstrates repeated narcistic-like behaviours without genuine remorse (on my blog do a search for “Diversion Tactics), then you need to be very careful, establish boundaries, and perhaps seek professional assistance.
