In March 2014, Emily Esfahani Smith wrote an article about loss and grief. When we experience loss we can race in various ways. She asks:

“What drives these people forward? What holds the others back? And why do some mourners recover from grief quickly—much more quickly—than others? Psychologists who study these questions note that there is no single factor that predicts who copes well and who does not. Many variables, from your personality to your social world to your levels of stress before the loss, play distinct roles.”

Loss and the grief it creates comes to us in many forms but we all go through it. I believe Brené Brown said everyone has a story that will make you cry and many have a story that will overwhelm you with grief.

How have you coped with loss? Do you recover quickly or do you need more time?

Do you plan and implement events or programs? You might want to check yourself for these possible cognitive distortions.

All-or-nothing thinking
I can’t possibly know all the necessary information to run this program.

Overgeneralization
We’ve never done anything like this – these kinds of programs don’t work in our town.

Mental filter
There are too many untried and unproved things for me to teach.

Disqualifying the positive
Even though a lot of people were helped, we made some really big mistakes in running the program.

Mind reading
That person on the phone probably doesn’t like the program and wants to drop.

Fortune teller error
Nobody is going to be helped by the program.

Magnification or minimization
Gloria said some really mean things about the program last night – everybody must have thought the same thing.

Emotional reasoning
I feel really inadequate to deal with all the emotional problems of the participants, therefore I am worthless.

Labeling and mislabeling
I’m so stupid for having forgotten to make a name tag for the new participant.

Personalization
I am a failure because some participants gave poor reviews of the program.

Should statements
I should have divided the groups differently; then everybody would be happy.

You can address these thoughts using the acronym SWIM.

SWIM
State the feels – name what you are feeling and where is it coming from.
Wonder if it’s true – fact check your feelings; argue with yourself.
Involve others for a fresh perspective – get out of your head and listen to other’s feedback.
Make peace with the truth – the truth is you are probably very capable, did a good job, had a positive impact, and should keep working the program, making improvements as you go!

Dealing with Toxic Gossip at Work

Have you encountered gossip? Hopefully, you were bothered by it and wanted to stop it but you probably didn’t know what to do. David Maxfield wrote an article about this for Crucial Skills. He says:

“In these situations, silence isn’t golden. It’s agreement. When we don’t speak up, we show our support for the people doing the badmouthing. We’re helping to throw the person under the bus.

It’s this kind of poisonous conversation that causes bad morale to spread across a team or organization. It begins with a seemingly innocuous joke, which is really the leading edge of an attack. Instead of saying something like, “I see it differently,” others in the conversation remain silent or add to the wisecrack, amplifying the attack.

The group is creating a villain story at someone’s expense, without stopping to question the story’s truth or giving the person a chance to respond. As the story is repeated and grows unchallenged, it becomes full of what the comedian Stephen Colbert calls “truthiness.” It may be several steps away from the facts, but it feels true. And it poisons the workplace.”

Click the link for the rest of this great article.

These highlights are from an article called, “Domestic Violence Warning Signs for the Workplace” at Make It Our Business. The full article is available as a PDF – Download the PDF

Here are some indications a person close to you may be experiencing abuse:

• Change in job performance: poor concentration, errors, slowness,
• Strong reactions or avoidance of calls/text messages from partner,
• Disruptive personal visits to workplace by present or former partner or spouse,
• Absenteeism or lateness for work,
• Reluctance to leave work,
• Obvious injuries that are often attributed to “falls,” “being clumsy,” or “accidents,”
• Clothing that is inappropriate for the season, such as long sleeves and turtlenecks,
• Minimization or denial of harassment or injuries,
• Isolation; unusually quiet and keeping away from others,
• Signs of anxiety and fear,
• Lack of access to money.

Often it can take a person up to 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. If you are giving support this can seem frustrating. It’s important to be patient, listen, and encourage seeking help.

‘Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.

Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit