Monthly Archives: December 2017

What Did You Say?

24 Sunday Dec 2017

Posted by in Discovery, health, questions, relationships

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I like to talk about relationships. I’ve done pre-marriage counselling, I’ve done a multi-part workshop on developing a marvellous marriage, and sadly, I’ve sat with a friend having a breakdown because her husband cheated on her. As such, I keep my eyes open for perspectives on helping relationships be stronger.

“The Conversations We Should Really Be Having With Our Partners If We Want Our Relationships To Last” is an article I believe can be really helpful if you want to have a deeper, stronger, relationship with your partner. Here are some highlights, I recommend you check out the whole article.

Conversations you and your partner need to have (consider the following to be quotes from the article):

I want you to tell me what to do because I can’t read your mind – If I truly love my partner, I want to pay attention to their needs. In order for me to do that, I need to know what those needs are. There is a faulty belief that occurs, and we’re all guilty of it: No one can read your mind. If you need something, it’s on you to ask for it.

I want you to tell me how to love you because I take that responsibility seriously – a lot of us are existing in relationships where we feel unloved, neglected, or unimportant. We can make small changes that can create a huge, positive ripple effect.

I want you to tell me how you feel because it helps me understand who you are – What if we give the other person the space and time to open up, and know that we want them to because we want to know what they are feeling and why.

I want you to tell me how to talk to you because communication will make or break us – if you’re having trouble communicating, try focusing on listening rather than trying to get your point across. Ask more questions.

I want you to tell me what you want to do to me because I want to be the one you share your erotic self with – it’s scary to communicate what we want for fear of judgment, criticism, or rejection. Intimate desires, just like emotions, can be really difficult for people to express.

I want you to tell me how to touch you because I care about our intimate connection – when we show interest in meeting our partner’s intimate needs, it’s a way of communicating that they are important.

I want to know what makes you happy. I can’t do it for you, but I can support your journey – the only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. However, we can absolutely support our significant other in trying to achieve, accomplish, or realize anything they identify that might make them happy.

What do you think about these conversations? Could you have them with your partner?

Mates Matter

18 Monday Dec 2017

Posted by in recovery, relationships

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I recently discovered the folks over at Time to Change. They have some excellent videos and resources on mental health. Here’s a few highlights from one of their articles, 5 Simple Ways to Support a Mate with a Mental Health Problem. 

 

Meet for Coffee – “The amazing thing about meeting for a coffee or asking someone if they’d like to drop in for a cup of tea is that you can do it almost anywhere, anytime.” Just being present with a friend who is struggling provides comfort, empathy, and courage to face the world. Remember that it’s important to listen without judgment.

 

Asking how they are – slowing down long enough to ask how’s it going and then patiently listening opens the door for your mate to open up to you.

 

Find safe places to talk – “Walking together or sitting driving are both amazing, because the experience of talking to someone whilst you’re side by side can be so much more freeing and less daunting than face to face.”

Post power – If you can’t connect in person, send a letter or a little parcel if you can. It’s retro which is why it’s also meaningful.

Little gestures – you don’t have to be extravagant (I am and it’s a blessing and a curse) but little things can communicate your care and support for your mate.

 

Check out the whole article for the full story but it all comes down to being mindful of your mates, slowing down to really listen, and just bring present in their life.

How do you support your mates?

Present Passive Participle

11 Monday Dec 2017

Posted by in Beginnings, Observations, relationships, Spirituality

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I like good news. Somebody I want to meet up with actually commits to a plan. A surprise giphy-2cheque (or check for my American friends) that arrives in the mail. Final grades above 90%… or above 65% if I was in trouble and that’s what it took to pass the class.

What’s the last good news you received?

What about good advice? You should… You need to… Why don’t you do… You have to… Good advice can be helpful but it also can be annoying, worse if it’s unsolicited.

I’ve got some good news for you. It’s a bit technical but that’s what makes it so good.

When the apostle Paul wrote his letter to the Christian church in Rome – we’re talking first century AD – he noted the problem we all face:

“…all have sinned and
fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:23

Now you might not buy into the idea of sin* or even God but just hang on for moment. Paul is saying, we’ve all got a past we’re not proud of and even now, as best as we can do, isn’t good enough; it’s all tainted. Even if you only count the last six of the commandments. we’ve all missed the mark at least once if not several times. (Note that the problem runs very deep – the commandment to not kill includes contempt and the one about adultery includes even lusting after (objectifying) another person.) This sin stuff, it’s messy. It unleashes death, killing us slowly from the inside out. Anyway, the point is, this is our continuous state.

But wait, didn’t I say something about good news? That’s not very good news at all. Well, Paul was simply stating the problem so he could tell us about the solution:

“…being justified
as a gift by His grace
through the redemption
which is in Christ Jesus…”
Romans 3:24

That phrase, being justified, is a Present Passive Participle. The what? This is the technical part. Being justified is a continuous expression related to the verb just before it – have sinned and fall short.

Being justified takes care of the past, the present and the future, too.

But what does it mean to be justified?

It’s a legal phrase. It’s one of the metaphors for talking about how God has done everything to reconcile us to his heart. The key is it’s not just simply forgiveness, although that’s included, it’s not a not guilty declaration, or an acquittal.

Because of what Christ Jesus has done, justification means that you and I, despite our past, our regrets, our shame, it’s as we never did the deed.

Why?

So that you can know, without a sliver of doubt, that you have the full love and acceptance of your heavenly Father who created you.

That’s good news.

* Sin has to do with alienation from God, from creation, and from one another. It breaks our relationships, hinders our fellowship, and ruins our stewardship of the earth.

Manipulation Junction

04 Monday Dec 2017

Posted by in Observations, recovery, relationships

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“Conjunction junction, what’s my function?” Anybody remember that catchy Schoolhouse Rock Song?

That’s not what this post is about but wouldn’t it be cool if someone made a catchy song about the manipulation junk that toxic people pull on those around them so their tactics would be easy to remember?

Recently, I found an article about some key manipulation tactics that are good to be aware of. I encourage you to check out the whole article but here are the highlights.

Monitoring –  when the toxic person wants to be in constant contact. It’s kind of low level stalking. Watch out, when you are slow to respond, if you get an angry reaction.

Object constancy – on the positive side, this is the ability to still love the person you are annoyed with. A toxic person tends to lack this so when they rage, they lose their affection. Think Jekyll and Hyde. Watch out if you find yourself modifying your words and behaviours to avoid the rages.

Flipping the script – this is when a toxic person tries to continuously wind you up. In the process they may accuse you of the things they themselves do. The point is to confuse and make their victim emotional.

Gaslighting – “Manipulators lie, make things up that never happened, but say things in such a convincing way and with such conviction, that their victims end up believing it is the truth.”

Perspecticide – think gaslighting+. “When the manipulative person has made someone believe so many things that aren’t true, they no longer know what is real.” Watch out if you are compromising your boundaries, your values, faith or family to appease the toxic person.

Trauma bonding – this is conditioning. The toxic person, who is often hostile or even violent, then basks their victim in love and affection. These highs and lows ” can create an addiction in the victim. Watch out for only nice behaviour when you’ve been “good” contrasted with the hurtful words and actions when you’ve been “bad.” (Good and bad being arbitrarily assigned by the toxic person.)