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~ Rejecting the gods of our culture since 1998.

cultural atheist

Monthly Archives: July 2017

Shields Up!

31 Monday Jul 2017

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, relationships

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Article, Defensiveness, Gottman, healing, healthy, help, hope, Listening, relationships

How would you feel if I told you something about yourself that you didn’t want to hear? Maybe it’s a complaint about something you said. Maybe I am angry or hurt about something you did. What would you do?

When this happens to me, I listen attentively and respond with appreciation for the feedback. If it’s appropriate, I try to own it, apologize and seek to make amends.

Ha ha, just kidding. I usually get a little, sometimes a lot, defensive. I try not to. I honestly strive for the ideal response. There’s just that part of me that says, “Shields up! Load torpedoes!”giphy

The thing is, defensiveness is really damaging to relationships. Dr. John Gottman has noted that it’s one of the four relationship killers. If you want to have a healthy thriving relationship, how do you get out of the defensiveness trap?

I found a short article from his group on Listening Without Getting Defensive. I recommend you check it out. Here are a few snippets…

“While it’s important for the speaker to complain without blame and state a positive need to prevent the listener from flooding or responding defensively, it’s also vital for the listener to learn to self-soothe.”

“Dr. Gottman suggests using a notepad to write down everything your partner says, which is especially helpful when you’re feeling defensive. This also helps you remember what was said when you reflect back what you hear or it’s your turn to speak.”

“During tough conversations it’s helpful to focus on your affection and respect for your partner.”

 

“Remember to postpone your agenda and focus on understanding your partner.”

“Look inward and see what you are telling yourself about what this conflict means and how it may impact you.”

“Ask yourself, Why am I getting defensive? What am I trying to protect? Your partner’s complaint is about their needs, not yours, so soothe your defensiveness so you can be there for them.”

“If your partner is saying something that is triggering, ask them to say it in a different way.”

 

“Long-lasting love requires courage. The courage to be vulnerable and to listen non-defensively, even in the heat of conflict. Especially when we are hurt and angry.”

 

2 Word Good News

24 Monday Jul 2017

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, Spirituality

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

acceptance, belonging, Good News, personal, relationships

Have you ever really blown it? I mean you did or said something that so damaged a relationship that it still hasn’t recovered? Maybe you messed up so bad you’ve lost your connection in your family or community?

Yeah, me too.

If you are familiar with the apostles in the Good News, you might now about Peter. He was loud and brash; quick to speak and slow to listen. He seems to have been a leader in that he tends to get listed first among Jesus closest friends. Like the other disciples, he was given the ability to heal people and set people free from possession. He preached boldly and hundreds committed their lives to God. Eventually he would be imprisoned for his faith.

And yet, he blew it. Big time.

After Jesus had been captured and his trials had begun, Peter was being questioned about his relationship with Jesus. After denying he knows Jesus a couple times, he gets asked one more time and we’re told, “Then he began to call down curses, and he swore to them, “I don’t know the man!””

Can you picture it? Peter spewing out cuss words and swearing on God’s name (super serious back then) that he doesn’t know his best friend Jesus, who is the Christ, the Son of God. You just know that word of this spread like wildfire among the other apostles. Can you imagine how he felt? Do you remember how you felt when you did something so bad you felt disqualified from everything?

But here’s the thing.

After the cross, on resurrection morning, the women coming to finish embalming Jesus, discover he has risen and they encounter an angel and the story goes like this:

“Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’” Mark 16:6-7 New International Version (NIV)

At a time when the disciples thought the hope of Jesus had ended in disaster, when they were scattered and afraid, they discover Jesus isn’t dead, the mission is still on, they are called to press forward and stay hopeful.

But did you catch it? The Good News in just two words?

And Peter.

To the one who had blown it, ran scared, and denied his best friend with angry curses, is still welcome at the table, still invited to be a part of the movement, and will still be used to turn the world upside with Good News; the Good News that despite his failures he was still loved and accepted, still valued and worthy.

And so are you.

 

Building Bridges 

17 Monday Jul 2017

Posted by braddahr in Observations

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Tags

Love, love language, relationships

Do you know your love language? Do you know what love languages are? I’m a fan of the love language concept and I’ve shared it with others. Maybe check them out and discover what is your language.

Recently I received an email from them with some examples and I think they will be a blessing to you. This is quoted directly from their email.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION:

Compliments sometimes mean extra when given in the presence of others. Make sure to let your loved ones know how much you care for them in front of other people, too!

ACTS OF SERVICE:

What if you switch the way you think about nagging: instead of being annoyed, learn to hear it as, “This is a task that is really important to me, and I will feel so loved when it is completed.” Use nagging as a simple reminder from your partner to love him or her better!

RECEIVING GIFTS:

Give your partner a gift every day for a week. Whether extremely creative or sweetly simple, the flow of gifts will make an impact and will create a week to be remembered by both of you!

QUALITY TIME:

Instead of asking your loved one, “How was your day?” ask a fresh question, like, “What was the best part of your day?” “What was a success you had today?” or “What did you struggle with today?” Make sure to create enough time to truly listen and care.

PHYSICAL TOUCH:

Research has shown that babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop more healthily than those who are neglected. But people never outgrow their need for physical affection! Remember to hug your loved ones this week.

What do you think? Can you speak these love languages? Have you ever taken an assessment to determine your own love language? If so, what is your primary language?

 

Five Ways We Rationalize Abuse And Why We Need To Stop — Self-Care Haven by Shahida Arabi

10 Monday Jul 2017

Posted by braddahr in Observations

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This is a powerful revelation by Shahida Arabi. I hope that it gives you strength but also compassion for those still struggling with abuse.

A common abusive tactic is gaslighting the victim into thinking the abuse they are suffering isn’t real. By casting doubt onto the victim’s sanity and perceptions of the abuse, the abuser is then able to distort and manipulate the victim into thinking that the abuse didn’t exist or that it wasn’t abuse at all. Another painful […]

via Five Ways We Rationalize Abuse And Why We Need To Stop — Self-Care Haven by Shahida Arabi

The Love Letter

05 Wednesday Jul 2017

Posted by braddahr in Discovery, Spirituality

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Tags

Bible, commandments, Exodus, God, Jesus, Love, relationship, Testimony

Rules are hard to follow. Sure the ones we directly benefit from are easier to keep but generally we try to bend them here and there. I mean, have you seen what people do at stop signs? Have you noticed that the best motivation is love?

One of the most beautiful parts of the Bible is God’s testimony*, a revelation of his character, what most people call the ten commandments or in other words, rules. People struggle to keep these rules – even those that believe they’re valid. Others, thinking they are hard rules, ignore or undermine them. What we miss is that they’re not rules. This testimony is beautiful because it’s an invitation into a loving relationship. My friend José Sánchez recently shared God’s testimony this way:

Today, my personal love letter to Jesus based on Exodus 20 says:

Jesus, as I meditate on what you did at the cross for me, my heart overwhelms with joy
and love.
1. I can’t imagine living without you!
2. Nothing can replace you!
3. I’ll never take you for granted.
4. I’m looking forward to spending quality time with you.
5. I’ll treat my parents as you treat your Father.
6. I’ll love others as you love me.
7. I’ll love my spouse as you love your church.
8. I’ll be content with the blessings you provide for me.
9. I’ll be just to others as you are with me.
10. I’ll rejoice when I see how you’ve blessed my friends.
Thank you for your love, Jesus. I love you, too.

Isn’t that beautiful?

*Over and over the Bible refers to what we call the ten commandments as God’s testimony. Even the box they were held in was called the ark of the testimony. 

 

3 Steps to Create a Self-Care Plan — MakeItUltra™

03 Monday Jul 2017

Posted by braddahr in Observations

≈ Leave a comment

Have you ever been helping someone only to find yourself burnt out, emotionally compromised, and maybe even struggling with some trauma as a result?

Yeah, me too.

You and I both need to read this really good post from MakeItUltra. Simple and straightforward steps to practice each day.

 

Written by Eric C., MA., PhD Candidate Audio version available | Click here “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” ~Oscar Wilde In one way or another we are all caretakers. Care taking can be found in all aspects of life. Some of us are care takers in the professional sense and work in […]

via 3 Steps to Create a Self-Care Plan — MakeItUltra™

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