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cultural atheist

~ Rejecting the gods of our culture since 1998.

cultural atheist

Monthly Archives: June 2016

Reflection

27 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by braddahr in Observations

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Abuse, different, Love, words

In my recent post, “Gross Kids” I shared how I watched a teacher friend look at herself in the mirror and call herself gross. When I called her on that, she said she was just talking about her ______ body part. When I asked if she would say the same thing about the body parts of the chubby girl in grade six, she replied: No way! Of course not! That’s terrible!

Within a couple days later, I was talking with another dear friend. Her last year has been a significant struggle. I thank God for every day she presses on. I celebrate each of her tentative, wobbly, small steps toward wholeness. Like the recovery of a person ravaged by cancer or badly damaged by a horrific car accident each moment of healing is a victory. Unfortunately, due to the struggle, her school work suffered and the university recently gave her the gift of a year off; they told her to focus on recovery and reapply next year. We talked about it for a minute and then I asked:

ME: I suspect that instead of hearing this as “it’s good to focus on being healthy” you’re hearing “you’re a failure” or other hurtful things. Is that true?
HER: Yes
ME: Is that what you would say to any other friend if she was in the same situation?

She said, “It’s different when it’s yourself.”

That’s essentially what my teacher friend was saying. While we would never shame, abuse, and denigrate another person, we have no problem doing it to ourselves because… well, because we are doing it ourselves.

Come with me to a playground. Imagine you’re supervising some children. You hear some angry and hurtful words. Looking around you see a few kids circling a child sitting on a swing. They are shouting: “You’re stupid!” You’re a failure!” “Nobody likes you!” “You’re fat!” “You’re ugly!”

What would you do?

Would you run over to the kids, chase away the bullies, and protect and comfort the victim of the abuse? Would you report the bullies to the office so that their behaviour can be stopped before another child is attacked? Would you then take every opportunity to affirm and encourage the abused child so they would know they are intrinsically worthwhile, valued, and loved? I hope that’s what you would do. Nobody deserves to be bullied, abused, and made to feel worthless, right?

But it’s different when it’s yourself.

Let’s return to the playground. Kids are playing and laughing. Sunshine, blue sky, warm with a cool breeze. This happy scene is interrupted by those same terrible, hurtful, abusive words.”You’re stupid!” You’re a failure!” “Nobody likes you!” “You’re fat!” “You’re ugly!”

Your heart is gripped with anguish. Someone needs help! You scan the playground but don’t see any problems. You begin to walk quickly around the grounds and you circle the equipment. You hear the shameful words again: “You’re stupid!” You’re a failure!” “Nobody likes you!” “You’re fat!” “You’re ugly!”

You want to help so badly. You want to wrap your arms around that child and say it’s not true, it’s not true, it’s not true.

At last, you find the child. It’s a little girl but you are surprised to find that there are no other children around her. She is simply standing in front of a window, shouting at her own reflection.

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I Am Not Invincible — BeautyBeyondBones

25 Saturday Jun 2016

Posted by braddahr in Uncategorized

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Another well put post from Beauty Beyond Bones.

 

I’m angry tonight. I am angry because I have been brutally reminded that I am not invincible. I received a comment (which has since been deleted) that taunted me to revisit and reexamine my disordered thoughts when I was deep in my anorexia. The commenter prodded me to describe exactly the allure of anorexia – […]

via I Am Not Invincible — BeautyBeyondBones

Gross Kids

24 Friday Jun 2016

Posted by braddahr in Observations

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Children, gross, Love, self-care

The other day, I was in the company of a teacher friend. Something happened and I got to thinking about all those kids she works with. I asked her, “Do you ever tell any of your kids that they’re gross?”

She was surprised that I would suggest such a thing. “Of course not, I would never say that to a child.”

Why not? Aren’t kids just a little gross? Runny noses and/or fingers in them. Poor bladder and bowel control. A general lack of hygiene. If you want a contagious disease like a cold, flu, or strep just hang around with children. Don’t forget parasites. Just thinking about kids with lice gives me the heeby-jeebies. On top of all that, they’re not very bright and they quickly go savage under the wrong conditions. It’s no wonder that a common horror movie trope is evil children; they freak us out.

In spite of all that, a good teacher would never call her children gross or any other terrible names. In fact, have you ever noticed when we witness someone putting a child down we are physically uncomfortable and that distress might linger for a long time. That’s our own past shaming experiences bubbling to the surface and gripping our hearts all over again. That’s why so often when we see or hear someone being bullied we freeze up even though we want to intervene to try to save the child from pain we can so easily relate to.

So she said, “Of course not, I would never say that to a child.”

What about kid so and so who has issues? What about the one whose clothes seem two sizes to small? What about the kid with the mental challenges or the deformity?

“Absolutely not! I would never call any child gross or any other name. It’s offensive that you would even ask that question.”

But you see, just a moment before I asked my question, she had glanced at herself in a mirror and I heard her tell herself something. I looked her the eyes with all the care and compassion I could and I asked…

“Then why do you say it to yourself?”

 

It’s Like Cancer

20 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by braddahr in Observations

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cancer, mental health, mental illness, recovery, self-care, stigma

At a recent event I attended, a multi-Ironman triathlete shared his story about the colon cancer that has drastically changed his life. He was having multiple health issues and not sure why. Once he was finally diagnosed he was scheduled for surgery. He said that after surgery, the doctor said he has a cancer that’s not removable or curable. The only way he would live is if he followed a strict chemo treatment regimen.

I’m sure most of us would struggle with such news. He did too, but then he realized it was actually good news. He now knew what he had to do to stay alive.

Mental health struggles are like cancer. The affect us emotionally and physically – they eat us up from the inside out. Not only is the struggle itself difficult, it’s bathed in stigma leading to shame and even self-contempt.

The good news is, as we increase awareness and understanding of our mental health needs, we can hear the doctor’s orders as a positive – if we daily take our “medicine” we will stay alive. Of course, what the medicine is, varies person to person but treatment, good supports, and ongoing physical and mental self-care are key components.  It’s not easy but the more intentional we are at taking our medicine, the more we can move forward with hope.

Artist Suffering From Anxiety Illustrates Mental Illnesses As Real Monsters

18 Saturday Jun 2016

Posted by braddahr in Uncategorized

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Trending News

From anxiety to depression to body dismorphic disorder, Toby Allen intended by this artwork particularly to give these intangible mental illnesses some substance and make them appear more manageable as physical entities.

“The project originated from imagining my own anxieties as monsters and finding it to be a cathartic and healing process to draw them,” Allen

“It made them feel weaker and I was able to look at my own anxiety in a comical way”

“I hope it helps [people] see their illness in a different light, make it appear more manageable”

Read more: http://www.boredpanda.com/mental-illnesses-illustrated-by-monsters-by-toby-allen/

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Wanted and Unwanted — Sascha Hjort

12 Sunday Jun 2016

Posted by braddahr in Uncategorized

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Have you ever been with someone that made you feel like the most wanted and unwanted at the same time? I’ve had a hard time understanding this contradiction. It is one of the most confusing experiences related to other people I’ve ever had, I think. The more I think about it and the deeper I […]

via Wanted and Unwanted — Sascha Hjort

Zombies and You 

10 Friday Jun 2016

Posted by braddahr in Observations

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Tags

boundaries, brains, care, family, Love, mental health, plague, safe, zombies

Unless you live in a cultural wasteland, you know that zombies are fairly popular these days. As long as there’s money to be made, the genre will continually be dragged out of the grave and reanimated. Yes, that was a pun and I will not apologize.

The general premise of zombies is, a person is dead but for some reason has come back to “life” and now roams around mindlessly. Even though they don’t seem to require oxygen, water, food, or even significant parts of their body to continue moving about, they have the need to attack and eat really living people. Yeah, that part makes no sense to me, either. Zombies are pretty relentless so they generally wreak havoc is some form or another. While getting eaten by a zombie is a fairly horrible experience, so I’m told, getting bit by a zombie is the worst because if your brain isn’t destroyed you will eventually become a zombie, too.*

Nobody wants to get attacked and eaten or turned into a zombie but the most tragic part of any zombie story is when a loved one becomes a zombie. This is heartbreaking, a huge loss that often leaves the survivor traumatized, grief-stricken, and lonely. Even though the practical course is to put the zombified loved one down, like one would a diseased or badly injured animal, who can do that to mom, dad, sibling, child or spouse?  The problem is, zombies are out of their minds so they don’t have the capacity to care or love. It’s not that they are evil or personally against you; it’s just that they are driven to cause destruction. Many a foolish person has had ideas that they can save their zombie loved ones or keep them close by until a cure can be found. This always ends in disaster for the caring person (and anyone else within 200 meters) – see above “attacked and eaten.” In a zombie situation, it’s best to have some sort of barrier between you and the zombified loved one as well as some strong tools to fend off their attack should they undermine your barriers.

Now get this… On your journey towards being real and healthy sometimes you will discover that those you are close to are “zombies.” Perhaps they aren’t emotionally healthy or, due to their own upbringing, don’t have the capacity to love and care for you as your recovery progresses. Surprised by your struggle, they could be in the grip of shame and feeling like a failure and now unable to cope or be compassionate. They could simply be ignorant, misinformed or ill-equipped concerning your struggles towards being a real person.

Whatever the reason behind their zombie behaviour, you need to lovingly set up barriers, aka boundaries, between yourself and your zombified loved ones. You must establish safeguards for your own mental health and continued journey towards real life. And just in case your zombies break through your barriers, you need to have tools at the ready to protect yourself until you can get back to safety.

I know t’s hard work to be real and the journey can seem lonely. Sometimes you might even think it would be okay to be around zombies rather than be by yourself. Please remember, even if a zombie is a loved one, you still need to protect your brains.
*I’m sure there are all sorts of nuances to the zombie mythology that I have overlooked or even disrespected but before you get mad at me, please remember that we’re talking about zombies.

Plans

09 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by braddahr in Uncategorized

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Another great post by BeautyBeyondBones.

I’m going to be really honest with y’all. Growing up, I thought my life was going to have played out a lot differently by now. I thought I was going to be married at 22, first kid at 23, and…I wanted ten…so…you do the math. I know. I know. I had high ambitions for my womb […]

via Plans — BeautyBeyondBones

Accept

07 Tuesday Jun 2016

Posted by braddahr in Inspiration, Observations, Spirituality

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Tags

accept, Bible, Faith, God, grace, Jesus, Love, Peace, salvation, saved

Many times, I have conversations on the topic of salvation. My focus is always on God’s incredible love and grace that he demonstrated definitively at the cross.

At some point, someone will say, “God’s grace provided salvation but in order to be saved, we need to accept it.”A variation on this is when someone says, “You have to trust in Jesus to be saved.” Or “We are saved by faith and not works.”

To me, what I see the bible saying over and over, is that there is an infinitely important distinction between salvation by grace and any other statement made about having faith, trust, or belief.

To illustrate what I mean, please  consider the following two sentences and ask yourself which one brings you the greatest level of peace:

I have salvation because I have accepted God’s love and grace.

God has saved me because of his love and grace and I accept that.

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