Break ups suck. In close relationships, we become vulnerable, willing to trust and love. If that relationship comes to an end, the break up leaves a hole in our heart that needs grieving to heal. And that’s when things end amicably.What happens when you discover the guy you’ve been with is cheating on you and the relationship comes to an abrupt end, filled with anger and loads of unresolved feelings that not even ice cream can soothe?
To be cheated on take the pain and loss of a break up and adds the shock of gut wrenching betrayal. Loss + Betrayal usually produces something insidious: a overwhelming self-doubt that swirls around the question, “Why wasn’t I enough for him?” Have you been there?
As a man with both relationship experience and the sad ability to be a complete jerk, I want to share with you the TRUTH. This will probably sting – like pulling a really sticky band-aid off the legs you haven’t shaved since the break up- but it’s best you hear it from somebody who cares. Here it comes…
It’s TRUE! You really aren’t enough for him. Do you think the problem was your looks, past, personality, or sexuality? Are you making furious promises to be something you are not; are you determined to pursue a revenge inspired self-improvement kick? It won’t matter. Nothing you do will make any difference. You’re not enough for him.
Let me tell you why.
The reason is quite simple and it has three small parts. First, you will never be enough for him is because you’re not the problem.* In his heart there is a terrible brokenness that makes it okay to betray those who have decided to love him simply so he can satisfy his own lusts. Think about it for a minute: what kind of a man will look you right in the eye, the one he supposedly loves, and outright lie about his intentions and commitments; spend time with you in the afternoon and lay with another woman in the evening? That’s seriously messed up! A broken and maybe borderline evil heart. What that means is, no matter what you do or try to become or even compromise yourself for, you can’t fix his heart. No way, no how, never. His heart damage requires supernatural surgery, divine intervention, and you’re not enough for that.
Second, you will never be enough for him because to live with his brokenness will require you to be something you are not and don’t deserve to be. To be enough you would have to embrace being disrespected, lied to, manipulated, treated as less than worthy, and being objectified (sorry you probably thought he actually loved you but a cheater just sees you, the new woman, and the woman after her, only as a body for him to use).
Wait! What if he comes sniffing around you again? I have to tell you another hard truth. You didn’t become enough, you didn’t win a victory over the other woman, your obsessing and pining didn’t reignite his love for you. No way! He’s just hungry again and you’re a lame, whimpering, doe. Don’t be an easy meal! Unless he has totally surrendered his life to Jesus Christ and been transformed by grace, that broken heart still lives on. A few weeks, a few months, he’ll cheat on you again. But I digress…
Finally, you’re not enough for him because as you internalize the truth I am telling you today, and as your heart heals from the betrayal, you will discover little by little that you’re not simply enough for him, you way too much more than enough for him! Along the way, you will come to rest in the greater truth that you deserve to be loved beautifully with honesty, integrity, and passion and, instead of a cheater, you will want a partner who is enough for you!
*Even though you are not to blame for the hurtful choices others make and when it comes to cheaters you will never be good enough because it’s the cheater whose is broken and a mess, there may be some wounds in your life that are hurting your relationships. If so, check out my recent series ACL Healing.