My mother instilled in me a sense of fairness and equity. Not so much with bold declarations but with quiet actions, affirmations and her work. She left in me a belief that all are equal regardless of status, colour, or gender. That’s who I am.

My belief was amplified when I woke up to God’s love in 1998. I have come to know and trust Jesus who became the ultimate outsider to seek and save those who had been cast aside, the not good enoughs. As a definite not good enough who knows God’s complete love and acceptance, how can I not extend the same to others by seeking to include rather than exclude? That’s who I am.

In the organization I serve, I’m an intern on a career path towards being ordained. Ordination doesn’t change the work we do in a hugely significant way and it doesn’t give us super powers rather it’s about becoming an officially recognized professional. This path typically takes 7-10 years – consisting of education, field work, and regular evaluations – and, even after all that time, there is no guarantee one will even be considered for ordination. While we don’t like to get into status and such things, you can probably appreciate that there is a sense that ordination is “arriving” and one who is ordained is the preferred choice when it comes to placements; it increases opportunities and opens doors.

My name has come up for consideration. I should be elated. The problem is, about five years ago, I clued in that some of my co-workers, no matter how qualified they are, are not offered ordination. Instead, they are offered commissioning – basically an intern with ordination salary and vacation time. Those who are commissioned, like an intern, are restricted from certain tasks and positions that can only be done by those who have been ordained. Why are they commissioned instead of ordained? They’re women.

At the end of my interview, I was asked if I had any questions. I expressed my concerns about the inequality among us and asked how can I in good conscience accept a recognition that is denied to equally capable (actually superior) colleagues simply on the basis of gender? Who am I?

The next day, I was asked if instead of ordination, would I prefer commissioning.*

Would I choose ordination, what I have been working towards for years? It’s what my family and friends have been hoping for. It’s the recognition that people respect; it is often a specific employment requirement in certain areas.

Would I choose commissioning and stand with those on the outside of ordination? This choice will disappoint many. Some may even look down on me and not want to work with me. It may mean reduced employment opportunities.

After great deal of prayer, I made my choice. I know who I am.

*In our territory our leadership is very supportive of women in ministry however, they are abiding by the the international decision concerning ordination and commissioning. Some territories have sought to address this matter in different ways with varying results.

Break ups suck. In close relationships, we become vulnerable, willing to trust and love. If that relationship comes to an end, the break up leaves a hole in our heart that needs grieving to heal.  And that’s when things end amicably.What happens when you discover the guy you’ve been with is cheating on you and the relationship comes to an abrupt end, filled with anger and loads of unresolved feelings that not even ice cream can soothe?

To be cheated on take the pain and loss of a break up and adds the shock of gut wrenching betrayal. Loss + Betrayal usually produces something insidious: a overwhelming self-doubt that swirls around the question, “Why wasn’t I enough for him?”  Have you been there?

As a man with both relationship experience and the sad ability to be a complete jerk, I want to share with you the TRUTH. This will probably sting – like pulling a really sticky band-aid off the legs you haven’t shaved since the break up- but it’s best you hear it from somebody who cares. Here it comes…

It’s TRUE! You really aren’t enough for him. Do you think the problem was your looks, past, personality, or sexuality? Are you making furious promises to be something you are not; are you determined to pursue a revenge inspired self-improvement kick? It won’t matter. Nothing you do will make any difference. You’re not enough for him.

Let me tell you why.

The reason is quite simple and it has three small parts. First, you will never be enough for him is because you’re not the problem.* In his heart there is a terrible brokenness that makes it okay to betray those who have decided to love him simply so he can satisfy his own lusts. Think about it for a minute: what kind of a man will look you right in the eye, the one he supposedly loves, and outright lie about his intentions and commitments; spend time with you in the afternoon and lay with another woman in the evening? That’s seriously messed up! A broken and maybe borderline evil heart. What that means is, no matter what you do or try to become or even compromise yourself for, you can’t fix his heart. No way, no how, never. His heart damage requires supernatural surgery, divine intervention, and you’re not enough for that.

Second, you will never be enough for him because to live with his brokenness will require you to be something you are not and don’t deserve to be. To be enough you would have to embrace being disrespected, lied to, manipulated, treated as less than worthy, and being objectified (sorry you probably thought he actually loved you but a cheater just sees you, the new woman, and the woman after her, only as a body for him to use).

Wait! What if he comes sniffing around you again? I have to tell you another hard truth. You didn’t become enough, you didn’t win a victory over the other woman, your obsessing and pining didn’t reignite his love for you. No way! He’s just hungry again and you’re a lame, whimpering, doe. Don’t be an easy meal! Unless he has totally surrendered his life to Jesus Christ and been transformed by grace, that broken heart still lives on. A few weeks, a few months, he’ll cheat on you again. But I digress…

Finally, you’re not enough for him because as you internalize the truth I am telling you today, and as your heart heals from the betrayal, you will discover little by little that you’re not simply enough for him, you way too much more than enough for him! Along the way, you will come to rest in the greater truth that you deserve to be loved beautifully with honesty, integrity, and passion and, instead of a cheater, you will want a partner who is enough for you!

*Even though you are not to blame for the hurtful choices others make and when it comes to cheaters you will never be good enough because it’s the cheater whose is broken and a mess, there may be some wounds in your life that are hurting your relationships. If so, check out my recent series ACL Healing.

ACL Healing is a 4 part series based off insights from “The Wounded Heart” by Dr. Dan Allender.

How can we move past the wounds in our life that steal our joy and desire to love and be loved? There are three painful, difficult, and yet totally worthwhile steps – a lifelong process really – that open the door to healing our wounds. (If you’re starting here, before you go any further, please read the first part of this series and answer the critical question.)

Hopefully, you read part one, considered the Critical Question, and said YES! Gently and carefully, you may have begun the process of acknowledgement and then confession. As we acknowledge the core wounds in our heart, we can release through confession the way our wounds have negatively impacted our way of relating to God, others, and even ourselves.

The next step in the process is to begin to live out the healing that we are experiencing. You see, we were created to be boldly loved and to boldly love others. God’s character and thus the entire universe is based on that reality. The world we live in, sin soaked selfishness, is completely unnatural.

Boldly Love

Most of us are familiar with all kinds of “loving” that hurts us and others. Our loving is often selfish and/or foolish, and typically dishonouring to God. It takes work to boldly love. What does it look like?

I want to suggest it’s being in life giving relationships, with God and with others. These are sacrificial, transformational,  accountable, unconditional. These are the relationships that make you be honest and real while at the same time knowing that you have complete love and acceptance. Do you desire relationships like this?

As beings created to be loved and to love in return, our healing journey isn’t to simply stop doing some behaviour or get over our past or even be better at handling stress. The ultimate goal of the healing we seek is to boldly love.

I hope you are able to begin the journey!

ACL Healing is a 4 part series based off insights from “The Wounded Heart” by Dr. Dan Allender.

How can we move past the wounds in our life that steal our joy and desire to love and be loved? How can we find healing and begin to live that abundant life God desires to give us? There are three painful, difficult, and yet totally worthwhile steps – a lifelong process really – that open the door to healing our wounds. (If you’re starting here, before you go any further, please read the first part of this series and answer the critical question.)

The first step noted in part 2 is acknowledgement. We start with considering if there was a situation, environment, or relationship in our past that made us vulnerable and at risk to being wounded. For example, perhaps you didn’t experience love and acceptance as a child and now you are a people pleaser striving for approval and that has gotten you abused and exploited. Acknowledgement isn’t about finding blame; it’s about awareness and then processing – accepting, grieving, forgiving – that lack or loss. As our wounds are many layered this is an ongoing process of discovery and healing. Then what?

Confession

We frequently live out of our wounds. They impact how we relate to God and others. This is more complex than can be covered in a short blog post but two key affects are distrust and deadening our hearts.

It is common for our wounds to lead us to think the worst about God – that he doesn’t love and/or care for us. The common heart cry of the deeply wounded is,”God, why did you let this happen to me?” There is nothing wrong with asking that question; it’s the beginning of a conversation you need to have with God. The challenge is when we walk away from seeking the answer; instead we take a “I was hurt so screw you, God” approach to life.

As we distrust God, we deaden our heart to his love and care and that spills over into how we relate to others. We were created to be boldly loved and to boldly love others. As a  deeply wounded person we will usually be nice, pleasant, helpful and kind but we do not boldly love – it’s too risky and requires too much vulnerability. We may desperately want to be loved and desired (a condition that opens us up to additional abuse) but our hearts are guarded, even closed off to real love of towards others and even ourselves. Obviously that impacts all our relationships.

This is why confession is necessary. Now wait! This is no way blaming the victim of abuse or exploitation – it wasn’t your fault! I am no way excusing the terrible actions of others – absolutely not! Confession is coming to the point of saying that instead of trusting God, we’ve disbelieved his promises and resisted his love and care. We confess so that we can more fully experience the forgiveness we need for the choices we made from our distrust and deadening. When we are able, we also need to confess our mess to those close to us that we have negatively impacted by living out of our wounds.

As with acknowledgement, confession is an ongoing process. The good news is, God has already forgiven you – even before you were aware of your need! He is gentle and compassionate and only desires to help you become all you were created to be.

Have your wounds led you into a way of living that you need to confess today?

ACL Healing is a 4 part series based off insights from “The Wounded Heart” by Dr. Dan Allender.

How can we move past the wounds in our life that steal our joy and desire to love and be loved? How can we find healing and begin to live that abundant life God desires to give us? There are three painful, difficult, and yet totally worthwhile steps – a lifelong process really – that open the door to healing our wounds. (If you’re starting here, before you go any further, please read the first part of this series and answer the critical question.)

What are your wounds? Maybe you were bullied at school and you carry great shame and anger from it. Maybe someone abused you and left you with a sense of powerlessness and self-contempt. Maybe you struggle with addictions – substances or behaviours.

When we want healing from our wounds, the tendency is to look at the most obvious manifestations. Nothing wrong with that but the real work is to look below the surface. Was there a situation, environment, or relationship that made you vulnerable and at risk? What did that situation, environment, or relationship teach you about yourself (your worth and belonging?), how to relate to others, even how to live?

Acknowledgement

“The work of restoration cannot begin until a problem is fully faced.” Dan Allender

Healing begins with acknowledgement because God can only heal or change that which we are willing to acknowledge. We must acknowledge our losses and the injustices done to us that left us vulnerable to being wounded. It’s recognizing that we were ripped off from a loving environment or maybe we were not well protected by our caregivers; perhaps it was blatant neglect or even a hostile environment.  Whatever your brokenness is, it is acknowledged through self-awareness, acceptance (like giving up trying to change the past?), and even grieving the loss.

The process of acknowledgement is ongoing because our wounds are many layered. We may need to  move slowly and gently, perhaps with the help of a professional counsellor. It can be overwhelming to face the sources of our brokenness all at once. But to be truly alive, face them we must.

ACL Healing is a 4 part series based off insights from “The Wounded Heart” by Dr. Dan Allender.

It’s been said that everyone has a story that will make you cry and many have a story that will knock you to your knees in overwhelming grief.  Sadly, nobody escapes this life without some wounds. These wounds affect how we relate to ourselves, to each other, and to God. They can be mildly annoying or completely debilitating. They can occasionally discourage us or cripple us with suicidal depression.

How can we move past the wounds? How can we find healing and begin to live that abundant life God desires to give us? There are three painful, difficult, and yet totally worthwhile steps – a lifelong process really – that open the door to healing our wounds.

HOWEVER, coming from the position that God is our creator, rescuer, and restorer; He alone provides healing for our deep wounds. Before we even consider the three steps, a critical question must be asked:

“Do I believe that God is a loving Father who is committed to my deepest well-being, that He has the right to use everything that is me for whatever purposes He deems best, and that surrendering my will and my life entirely to Him will bring me the deepest joy and fulfillment I can know this side of heaven?”

Did you answer, “Yes?” I can promise you that although the path to healing will be rocky and scary it is certain and trustworthy.

Did you answer, “No?” The whole thing seems ridiculous and pointless and you will likely treat the steps, along with me and yourself, with utter contempt.

As always, the decision is yours.